Ghost Time

week. And then, one by one, people started looking at me strange inthe halls, laughing at me, or more like snickering. I remember walking around, thinking, This is bad. This is really, really bad. You know how I finally found out what happened at the party? Raymond, I said. He was friends or worked with one of their dads, with Stella’s dad, and her dad heard all about it, when everyone got busted for the party.
    Melody goes, Wait, how did they get busted? I said, Oh. The pictures. Someone took pictures, and then there was like a thirty-second video of me, too, and it made the rounds, all over school, all over the Internet. I was such a mess, too, dancing, screaming, taking my clothes off. I’m telling you, all I can remember is talking to Leila, and then Spencer walking over, bringing us our drinks, that was it. But no one believed me. I’m not even sure my mom believed me, I said, and Mel goes, Your mom saw the video, the pictures? I go, She had to. All the parents were called in. All the kids, all the parents, we were all called in with Principal Cheswick, I said.
    You have no idea how hard it is to go to school, knowing everybody has seen you in your bra, pulling your pants down, showing your ass, ohmygod… I could barely look anyone in the eye for the rest of the third quarter of school, not even my teachers. Then my grades dropped, and things started going haywire again, and that’s when I shut down, I said, and I almost told her about the hospital. I almost told her that that’s when I really lost it, cutting myself, and my mom found me, the whole story. But I didn’t. Maybe it’s dishonest or cowardly, I don’t know, but there is a part of me, a real part that just wants to protect her. Except, I’m not even sure what that means anymore.
    I go, When I met Cam, I think I was so cold to him for so long because I knew he would see those pictures, one day, that someone would show them to him, and if he did actually like me, he wouldn’t after he saw that. How could he like me after he saw me acting like that, you know? And she goes, But he did—Cam did like you. And when she said that, I got another knot in my throat, and all I could do was nod yes. He did, but… I couldn’t finish my sentence. But what? she said, and I go, But it was really hard, trusting him, and I could see she didn’t understand. I go, It’s hard to trust somebody, because it’s easier not having something than to have something and have it taken away, you know? Thea , she said, and she sounded so serious, I felt better for a second, because I thought she was going to tell me something secret about herself. And she did, but not what I was expecting at all. I go, What? Tell me what you want to know, I said, and then she said, What’s it feel like? I knew, right away, but I didn’t say anything, so she said it, point-blank. She looks at me and straight out she goes, Tell me what sex feels like.
    I didn’t know what to say, because it’s hard for me to talk about it with Melody, about Cam and sex and intimacy, what it’s like, how it feels. Because she really wants to know, and it’s so honest and brave the way she asks and says what she really means—it’s hard to say those things, I know. I totally understand, because everyone wants to know what it’s like for other people, because no one really knows. I mean, you can read all about it, see as many movies as you want, and you’re still there, in your body, all alone. Well, more or less, but you know what I mean.
    The thing is, I wanted to tell her. I wanted to try and answer all Mel’s questions, but then I would look at her and think about the fact that she won’t have that experience; she’ll never know how it feels. So I told her the truth. I said, Honestly? Sorry to disappoint you, but it’s awkward. It’s really awkward and kind of stupid, I said, and all you do is pretend you know what you’re doing, because you don’t have a clue, so the whole time, you’re thinking, Am I doing this right? And, Will you still like me if I’m not very good at this?

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5, 2011
    (THIRTEEN WEEKS EARLIER)
    9:34 PM
    One night, we were watching TV, eating in the living room, my mom and I. And my mom’s really into this new drama Starting Over , about a single mother, who has just gotten divorced, and she has this teenage son—sound familiar? Anyhow, it’s the two of them, the mother and son, and they’ve made this big move across country, and they’re