Gone Girl

her back more than anything. All I am saying is that it has been the most brutal eye-opener for me. You hate to believe that you are such an awful man that it takes something like this to pull you out of your selfishness spiral and wake you up to the fact that you are the luckiest bastard in the world. I mean, I had this woman who was my equal, my better , in every way, and I let my insecurities – about losing my job, about not being able to care for my family, about getting older – cloud all that.’
    ‘Oh, please—’ Desi starts, and I shush him. For Nick to admit to the world that he is not a good guy – it’s a small death, and not of the petite mort variety.
    ‘And Sharon, let me say it. Let me say it right now: I cheated. I disrespected my wife. I didn’t want to be the man that I had become, but instead of working on myself, I took the easy way out. I cheated with a young woman who barely knew me. So I could pretend to be the big man. I could pretend to be the man I wanted to be – smart and confident and successful – because this young woman didn’t know any different. This young girl, she hadn’t seenme crying into a towel in the bathroom in the middle of the night because I lost my job. She didn’t know all my foibles and shortcomings. I was a fool who believed if I wasn’t perfect, my wife wouldn’t love me. I wanted to be Amy’s hero, and when I lost my job, I lost my self-respect. I couldn’t be that hero anymore. Sharon, I know right from wrong. And I just – I just did wrong.’
    ‘What would you say to your wife, if she is possibly out there, able to see and hear you tonight?’
    ‘I’d say: Amy, I love you. You are the best woman I have ever known. You are more than I deserve, and if you come back, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. We will find a way to put all this horror behind us, and I will be the best man in the world to you. Please come home to me, Amy.’
    Just for a second, he places the pad of his index finger in the cleft of his chin, our old secret code, the one we did back in the day to swear we weren’t bullshitting each other – the dress really did look nice, that article really was solid. I am absolutely, one hundred percent sincere right now – I have your back, and I wouldn’t fuck with you .
    Desi leans in front of me to break my contact with the screen and reaches for the Sancerre. ‘More wine, sweetheart?’ he says.
    ‘Shhhh.’
    He pauses the show. ‘Amy, you are a good-hearted woman. I know you are susceptible to … pleas. But everything he is saying is lies.’
    Nick is saying exactly what I want to hear. Finally .
    Desi moves around so he is staring at me full-face, completely obstructing my vision. ‘Nick is putting on a pageant. He wants to come off as a good, repentant guy. I’ll admit he’s doing a bang-up job. But it’s not real – he hasn’t even mentioned beating you, violating you. I don’t know what kind of hold this guy has on you. It must be a Stockholm-syndrome thing.’
    ‘I know,’ I say. I know exactly what I am supposed to say to Desi. ‘You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I haven’t felt so safe in so long, Desi, but I am still … I see him and … I’m fighting this, but he hurt me … for years.’
    ‘Maybe we shouldn’t watch any more,’ he says, twirling my hair, leaning too close.
    ‘No, leave it on,’ I say. ‘I have to face this. With you. I can do it with you.’ I put my hand in his. Now shut the fuck up .
    I just want Amy to come home so I can spend the rest of my lifemaking it up to her, treating her how she deserves .
    Nick forgives me – I screwed you over, you screwed me over, let’s make up . What if his code is true? Nick wants me back. Nick wants me back so he can treat me right. So he can spend the rest of his life treating me the way he should. It sounds rather lovely. We could go back to New York. Sales for the Amazing Amy books have skyrocketed since my disappearance – three generations of readers have remembered how much they love me. My greedy, stupid, irresponsible parents can finally pay back my trust fund. With interest.
    Because I want to go back to my old life. Or my old life with my old money and my New Nick. Love-Honor-and-Obey Nick. Maybe he’s learned his lesson. Maybe he’ll be like he was before. Because I’ve been daydreaming – trapped in my Ozarks cabin, trapped in Desi’s mansion compound, I have a lot of time to daydream and what