Hogfather

with no friends. Kids know about a mind like yours even if they don’t know the right words for it—”
    “I said shut up! Get her, Banjo!”
    That was it. She could hear it in Teatime’s voice. There was a touch of vibrato that hadn’t been there before.
    “The kind of little boy,” she said, watching his face, “who looks up dolls’ dresses…”
    “I didn’t !”
    Banjo looked worried.
    “Our mam said—”
    “Oh, to blazes with your mam!” snapped Teatime.
    There was a whisper of steel as Medium Dave drew his sword.
    “What’d you say about our mam?” he whispered.
    Now he’s having to concentrate on three people, Susan thought.
    “I bet no one ever played with you,” she said. “I bet there were things people had to hush up, eh?”
    “Banjo! You do what I tell you!” Teatime screamed.
    The monstrous man was beside her now. She could see his face twisted in an agony of indecision. His enormous fists clenched and unclenched and his lips moved as some kind of horrible debate raged in his head.
    “Our…our mam…our mam said…”
    The gray marks flowed across the floor and formed a pool of shadow which grew darker and higher with astonishing speed. It towered over the three men, and grew a shape.
    “ Have you been a bad boy, you little perisher ?”
    The huge woman towered over all three men. In one meaty hand it was holding a bundle of birch twigs as thick as a man’s arm.
    The thing growled.
    Medium Dave looked up into the enormous face of Ma Lilywhite. Every pore was a pothole. Every brown tooth was a tombstone.
    “You been letting him get into trouble, our Davey? You have, ain’t you?”
    He backed away. “No, Mum…no, Mum…”
    “ You need a good hiding, Banjo? You been playing with girls again ?”
    Banjo sagged on to his knees, tears of misery rolling down his face.
    “Sorry Mum sorry sorry Mum noooohhh Mum sorry Mum sorry sorry—”
    Then the figure turned to Medium Dave again.
    The sword dropped out of his hand. His face seemed to melt.
    Medium Dave started to cry.
    “No Mum no Mum no Mum nooooh Mum—”
    He gave a gurgle and collapsed, clutching his chest. And vanished.
    Teatime started to laugh.
    Susan tapped him on the shoulder and, as he looked round, hit him as hard as she could across the face.
    That was the plan, at least. His hand moved faster and caught her wrist. It was like striking an iron bar.
    “Oh, no ,” he said. “I don’t think so.”
    Out of the corner of her eye Susan saw Banjo crawling across the floor to where his brother had been. Ma Lilywhite had vanished.
    “This place gets into your head, doesn’t it?” Teatime said. “It pokes around to find out how to deal with you. Well, I ’m in touch with my inner child.”
    He reached out with his other hand and grabbed her hair, pulling her head down.
    Susan screamed.
    “And it’s much more fun,” he whispered.
    Susan felt his grip lessen. There was a wet thump like a piece of steak hitting a slab and Teatime went past her, on his back.
    “No pullin’ girls’ hair,” rumbled Banjo. “That’s bad .”
    Teatime bounced up like an acrobat and steadied himself on the railing of the stairwell.
    Then he drew the sword.
    The blade was invisible in the bright light of the tower.
    “It’s true what the stories say, then,” he said. “So thin you can’t see it. I’m going to have such fun with it.” He waved it at them. “So light.”
    “You wouldn’t dare use it. My grandfather will come after you,” said Susan, walking toward him.
    She saw one eye twitch.
    “He comes after everyone. But I’ll be ready for him,” said Teatime.
    “He’s very single-minded,” said Susan, closer now.
    “Ah, a man after my own heart.”
    “Could be, Mister Tea time.”
    He brought the sword around. She didn’t even have time to duck.
    And she didn’t even try to when he swung the sword back again.
    “It doesn’t work here,” she said, as he stared at it in astonishment. “The blade doesn’t exist here. There’s no Death here!”
    She slapped him across the face.
    “Hi!” she said brightly. “I’m the inner baby-sitter!”
    She didn’t punch. She just thrust out an arm, palm first, catching him under the chin and lifting him backward over the rail.
    He somersaulted. She never knew how. He somehow managed to gain purchase on clear air.
    His free arm grabbed at hers, her feet came off the ground, and she was over the rail. She caught it with her other hand—although later she wondered