Hogfather

that—” he began.
    “Look, you two can make yourselves useful,” said Susan. “There’s a mess in there. Go and help Banjo.”
    “Banjo?”
    “He’s…more or less running the place now.”
    Violet laughed.
    “But he’s—”
    “He’s in charge,” said Susan wearily.
    “All right,” said Bilious. “Anyway, I’m sure we can tell him what to do—”
    “No! Too many people have told him what to do. He knows what to do. Just help him get started, all right? But…”
    “If the Hogfather comes back now, you’ll vanish, won’t you?” She didn’t know how to phrase the question.
    “I’m, er, giving up my old job,” said Bilious. “Er…I’m going to go on working as a holiday relief for the other gods.” He gave her a pleading look.
    “Really?” Susan looked at Violet. Oh, well, maybe if she believes in him, at least…It might work. You never know.
    “Good,” she said. “Have fun. Now I’m going home. This is a hell of a way to spend Hogswatch.”
    She found Binky waiting by the stream.

    The Auditors fluttered anxiously. And, as always happens in their species when something goes radically wrong and needs fixing instantly, they settled down to try to work out who to blame.
    One said, It was…
    And then it stopped. The Auditors lived by consensus, which made picking scapegoats a little problematical. It brightened up. After all, if everyone was to blame, then it was no one’s actual fault . That’s what collective responsibility meant, after all. It was more like bad luck, or something.
    Another said, Unfortunately, people might get the wrong idea. We may be asked questions.
    One said, What about Death? He interfered, after all.
    One said, Er…not exactly.
    One said, Oh, come on. He got the girl involved.
    One said, Er…no. She got herself involved.
    One said, Yes, but he told her…
    One said, No. He didn’t. In fact he specifically did not tell—
    It paused, and then said, Damn!
    One said, On the other hand…
    The robes turned toward it.
    Yes?
    One said, There’s no actual evidence . Nothing written down. Some humans got excited and decided to attack the Tooth Fairy’s country. This is unfortunate, but nothing to do with us. We are shocked, of course.
    One said, There’s still the Hogfather. Things are going to be noticed. Questions may be asked.
    They hovered for a while, unspeaking.
    Eventually one said, We may have to take…
    It paused, loath even to think the word, but managed to continue…a risk.

    Bed, thought Susan, as the mists rolled past her. And in the morning, decent human things like coffee and porridge. And bed. Real things—
    Binky stopped. She stared at his ears for a moment, and then urged him forward. He whinnied, and didn’t budge.
    A skeletal hand had grabbed his bridle. Death materialized.
    I T IS NOT OVER . M ORE MUST BE DONE . T HEY TORMENT HIM STILL .
    Susan sagged. “What is? Who are?”
    M OVE FORWARD . I WILL STEER . Death climbed into the saddle and reached around her for the reins.
    “Look, I went—” Susan began.
    Y ES . I KNOW . T HE CONTROL OF BELIEF , said Death, as the horse moved forward again. O NLY A VERY SIMPLE MIND COULD THINK OF THAT . M AGIC SO OLD IT’S HARDLY MAGIC . W HAT A SIMPLE WAY TO MAKE MILLIONS OF CHILDREN CEASE TO BELIEVE IN THE H OGFATHER .
    “And what were you doing?” Susan demanded.
    I TOO HAVE DONE WHAT I SET OUT TO DO . I HAVE KEPT A SPACE . A MILLION CARPETS WITH SOOTY BOOT MARKS, MILLIONS OF FILLED STOCKINGS, ALL THOSE ROOFS WITH RUNNER MARKS ON THEM …D ISBELIEF WILL FIND IT HARD GOING IN THE FACE OF THAT . A LBERT SAYS HE NEVER WANTS TO DRINK ANOTHER SHERRY FOR DAYS . T HE H OGFATHER WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO COME BACK TO, AT LEAST .
    “What have I got to do now?”
    Y OU MUST BRING THE H OGFATHER BACK .
    “Oh, must I? For peace and goodwill and the tinkling of fairy bells? Who cares . He’s just some fat old clown who makes people feel smug at Hogswatch! I’ve been through all this for some old man who prowls around kids’ bedrooms?”
    N O . S O THAT THE SUN WILL RISE .
    “What has astronomy got to do with the Hogfather?”
    O LD GODS DO NEW JOBS .

    The Senior Wrangler wasn’t attending the Feast. He got one of the maids to bring a tray up to his rooms, where he was Entertaining and doing all those things a man does when he finds himself unexpectedly tête-à-tête with the opposite sex, like trying to shine his boots on his trousers and clean his fingernails with his other fingernails.
    “A