Hogfather

little more wine, Gwendoline? It’s hardly alcoholic ,” he said, leaning over her.
    “I don’t mind if I do, Mr. Wrangler.”
    “Oh, call me Horace, please . And perhaps a little something for your chicken?”
    “I’m afraid she seems to have wandered off somewhere,” said the Cheerful Fairy. “I’m afraid I’m, I’m, I’m rather dull company…” She blew her nose noisily.
    “Oh, I certainly wouldn’t say that,” said the Senior Wrangler. He wished he’d had time to tidy up his rooms a bit, or at least get some of the more embarrassing bits of laundry off the stuffed rhinoceros.
    “Everyone’s been so kind,” said the Cheerful Fairy, dabbing at her streaming eyes. “Who was the skinny one that kept making the funny faces for me?”
    “That was the Bursar. Why don’t you—”
    “ He seemed very cheerful, anyway.”
    “It’s the dried frog pills, he eats them by the handful,” said the Senior Wrangler dismissively. “I say, why don’t—”
    “Oh dear. I hope they’re not addictive.”
    “I’m sure he wouldn’t keep on eating them if they were addictive,” said the Senior Wrangler. “Now, why don’t you have another glass of wine, and then…and then…” a happy thought struck him “…and then…and then perhaps I could show you Archchancellor Bowell’s Remembrance? It’s got a-a-a-a very interesting ceiling. My word, yes.”
    “That would be very nice,” said the Cheerful Fairy. “Would it cheer me up, do you think?”
    “Oh, it would, it would ,” said the Senior Wrangler. “Definitely! Good! So I’ll, er, I’ll just go and…just go and…I’ll…” He pointed vaguely in the direction of his dressing room, while hopping from one foot to the other. “I’ll just go and, er…go…just…”
    He fled into the dressing room and slammed the door behind him. His wild eyes scanned the shelves and hangers.
    “Clean robe,” he mumbled. “Comb face, wash socks, fresh hair, where’s that Insteadofshave lotion—”
    From the other side of the door came the adorable sound of the Cheerful Fairy blowing her nose. From this side came the sound of the Senior Wrangler’s muffled scream as, made careless by haste and a very poor sense of smell, he mistakenly splashed his face with the turpentine he used for treating his feet.
    Somewhere overhead a very small plump child with a bow and arrow and ridiculously unaerodynamic wings buzzed ineffectually against a shut window on which the frost was tracing the outline of a rather handsome Auriental lady. The other window already had an icy picture of a vase of sunflowers.

    In the Great Hall one of the tables had already collapsed. It was one of the customs of the Feast that although there were many courses each wizard went at his own speed, a tradition instituted to prevent the slow ones holding everyone else up. And they could also have seconds if they wished, so that if a wizard was particularly attracted to soup he could go round and round for an hour before starting on the preliminary stages of the fish courses.
    “How’re you feeling now, old chap?” said the Dean, who was sitting next to the Bursar. “Back on the dried frog pills?”
    “I, er, I, er, no, I’m not too bad,” said the Bursar. “It was, of course, rather a, rather a shock when—”
    “That’s a shame, because here’s your Hogswatch present,” said the Dean, passing over a small box. It rattled. “You can open it now if you like.”
    “Oh, well, how nice—”
    “It’s from me,” said the Dean.
    “What a lovely—”
    “I bought it with my own money, you know,” said the Dean, waving a turkey leg airily.
    “The wrapping paper is a very nice—”
    “More than a dollar, I might add.”
    “My goodness—”
    The Bursar pulled off the last of the wrapping paper.
    “It’s a box for keeping dried frog pills in. See? It’s got ‘Dried Frog Pills’ on it, see?”
    The Bursar shook it. “Oh, how nice,” he said weakly. “It’s got some pills in it already. How thoughtful. They will come in handy.”
    “Yes,” said the Dean. “I took them off your dressing table. After all, I was down a dollar as it was.”
    The Bursar nodded gratefully and put the little box neatly beside his plate. They’d actually allowed him knives this evening. They’d actually allowed him to eat other things than those things that could only be scraped up with a wooden spoon.
    He eyed the nearest roast pig with nervous anticipation, and tucked his napkin