Hogfather

carved…”
    “Bu-bu-bu—”
    They all turned. The Bursar was holding his hand in front of him. The cut surface of a fork gleamed at the wizards.
    “Nice to know his new present will come in handy,” said the Dean. “It’s the thought that counts.”
    Under the table the Blue Hen of Happiness relieved itself on the Bursar’s foot.

    T HERE ARE…ENEMIES , said Death, as Binky galloped through icy mountains.
    “They’re all dead—”
    O THER ENEMIES . Y OU MAY AS WELL KNOW THIS . D OWN IN THE DEEPEST KINGDOMS OF THE SEA, WHERE THERE IS NO LIGHT, THERE LIVES A TYPE OF CREATURE WITH NO BRAIN AND NO EYES AND NO MOUTH . I T DOES NOTHING BUT LIVE AND PUT FORTH PETALS OF PERFECT CRIMSON WHERE NONE ARE THERE TO SEE . I T IS NOTHING EXCEPT A TINY YES IN THE NIGHT . A ND YET…AND YET…IT HAS ENEMIES THAT BEAR ON IT A VICIOUS, UNBENDING MALICE, WHO WISH NOT ONLY FOR ITS TINY LIFE TO BE OVER BUT ALSO THAT IT HAD NEVER EXISTED . A RE YOU WITH ME SO FAR ?
    “Well, yes, but—”
    G OOD . N OW, IMAGINE WHAT THEY THINK OF HUMANITY .
    Susan was shocked. She had never heard her grandfather speak in anything other than calm tones. Now there was a cutting edge in his words.
    “What are they?” she said.
    W E MUST HURRY . T HERE IS NOT MUCH TIME .
    “I thought you always had time. I mean…whatever it is you want to stop, you can go back in time and—”
    A ND MEDDLE ?
    “You’ve done it before…”
    T HIS TIME IT IS OTHERS WHO ARE DOING IT . A ND THEY HAVE NO RIGHT .
    “What others?”
    T HEY HAVE NO NAME . C ALL THEM THE AUDITORS . T HEY RUN THE UNIVERSE . T HEY SEE TO IT THAT GRAVITY WORKS AND THE ATOMS SPIN, OR WHATEVER IT IS ATOMS DO . A ND THEY HATE LIFE .
    “Why?”
    I T IS…IRREGULAR . I T WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN . T HEY LIKE STONES, MOVING IN CURVES . A ND THEY HATE HUMANS MOST OF ALL . Death sighed. I N MANY WAYS, THEY LACK A SENSE OF HUMOR .
    “Why the Hog—”
    I T IS THE THINGS YOU BELIEVE WHICH MAKE YOU HUMAN . G OOD THINGS AND BAD THINGS, IT’S ALL THE SAME .
    The mists parted. Sharp peaks were around them, lit by the glow off the snow.
    “These look like the mountains where the Castle of Bones was,” she said.
    T HEY ARE , said Death. I N A SENSE . H E HAS GONE BACK TO A PLACE HE KNOWS . A N EARLY PLACE …
    Binky cantered low over the snow.
    “And what are we looking for?” said Susan.
    Y OU WILL KNOW WHEN YOU SEE IT .
    “Snow? Trees? I mean, could I have a clue? What are we here for?”
    I TOLD YOU . T O ENSURE THAT THE SUN COMES UP .
    “Of course the sun will come up!”
    N O .
    “There’s no magic that’ll stop the sun coming up!”
    I WISH I WAS AS CLEVER AS YOU .
    Susan stared down out of sheer annoyance, and saw something below.
    Small dark shapes moved across the whiteness, running as if they were in pursuit of something.
    “There’s…some sort of chase…” she conceded. “I can see some sort of animals but I can’t see what they’re after—”
    Then she saw movement in the snow, a blurred, dark shape dodging and skidding and never clear. Binky dropped until his hooves grazed the tops of the pine trees, which bent in his wake. A rumble followed him across the forest, dragging broken branches and a smoke of snow behind it.
    Now they were lower she could see the hunters clearly. They were large dogs. Their quarry was indistinct, dodging among snowdrifts, keeping to the cover of snow-laden bushes—
    A drift exploded. Something big and long and blue-black rose through the flying snow like a sounding whale.
    “It’s a pig!”
    A BOAR . T HEY DRIVE IT TOWARD THE CLIFF . T HEY’RE DESPERATE NOW .
    She could hear the panting of the creature. The dogs made no sound at all.
    Blood streamed onto the snow from the wounds they had already managed to inflict.
    “This…boar,” said Susan. “…It’s…”
    Y ES .
    “They want to kill the Hogf—”
    N OT KILL . H E KNOWS HOW TO DIE . O H, YES …I N THIS SHAPE, HE KNOWS HOW TO DIE . H E’S HAD A LOT OF EXPERIENCE . N O, THEY WANT TO TAKE AWAY HIS REAL LIFE, TAKE AWAY HIS SOUL, TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING . T HEY MUST NOT BE ALLOWED TO BRING HIM DOWN .
    “Well, stop them!”
    Y OU MUST . T HIS IS A HUMAN THING .
    The dogs moved oddly. They weren’t running but flowing, crossing the snow faster than the mere movement of their legs would suggest.
    “They don’t look like real dogs…”
    N O .
    “What can I do?”
    Death nodded his head toward the boar. Binky was keeping level with it now, barely a few feet