Idiopathy

sort of PS: ‘Love you crumpet.’
    ‘Love you sweetie pie,’ said Daniel. ‘Do you think you can fit all that on a banner, Sebastian?’
    Sebastian was still looking at Daniel with what seemed to be a mixture of disgust and trepidation. After a while he smiled, leaned back, and folded his hands.
    ‘You’ll have to ask Angelica,’ he said smugly. ‘She’s coming along to help.’
    Daniel did his best not to look shaken, but sensed it was a losing battle from which he almost certainly emerged looking shaken.
    ‘Love you, dear,’ said Angelica, with a distinct lack of confidence. ‘You don’t mind, do you?’
    Daniel looked over at Sebastian, who was busying himself retying his ponytail.
    ‘Don’t worry, Dan,’ he said, sickly-sweet. ‘I’ll take very good care of her.’
    ‘Is Plum going?’ said Daniel.
    ‘Sadly not,’ said Sebastian. ‘She’s really tied up with the internet side of things right now.’
    ‘Oh,’ said Angelica. ‘I thought she was going too.’
    There was a long pause. Daniel looked at Sebastian and Angelica in turn. Sebastian and Angelica looked at Daniel. Daniel waited to see if they would look at each other. They didn’t. He wondered if he was being lied to. Then he wondered if he was only wondering that because he’d done no small amount of lying himself. It struck him, briefly, that now might be an opportune time, tactically speaking, to announce certain pieces of news of his own.
    ‘Is that something I should have mentioned?’ said Sebastian. ‘It honestly didn’t occur to me at all.’
    ‘Oh,’ said Angelica. ‘I mean, obviously it’s fine, I was just surprised, that’s all. She’ll be so sorry not to be there.’
    ‘When are you off?’ said Daniel, in whom Sebastian’s three-second distraction of a statement had caused an almost total reversal of intention.
    ‘Soon as,’ said Sebastian. ‘Or maybe tomorrow.’
    Angelica was looking at Daniel slightly oddly, the way a particularly difficult sudoku puzzle might be regarded by someone who was very good at sudoku: briefly, mildly, happily thrown.
    ‘Are you sure you’re OK with this?’ she said.
    ‘Absolutely,’ said Daniel, meaning absolutely not. ‘Love you dear.’
    ‘Ahh,’ she said. ‘I am
such
a lucky woman.’
    ‘Hey,’ said Daniel, winking. ‘I’m the lucky one around here.’
    ‘This is, um …’ said Sebastian.
    It was indeed um, thought Daniel. It was as if he’d pushed through some sort of barrier, on the other side of which all polarities of sincerity were reversed. His voice was changing. His very physicality was becoming cheesy. He’d just
winked
, for fuck’s sake.
    As if sensing the mounting surrealism of the situation, and perhaps keen to lend his dispassionate eye, Giggles came lumbering into the room, his backside nonchalantly swaying; folds of flesh rippling under his fur.
    ‘Look who’s here,’ said Daniel, by now acting so far out of character that he was actually scared to do anything remotely normal lest doubt should fog the heads of his audience. He bent down, grunting slightly as he seized Giggles around the torso and heaved the animal onto his lap. ‘Hey boy,’ he said. ‘Oooff. Who’s a big fella.’
    ‘Are you going to look after Daddy while Mummy’s away?’ said Angelica. ‘Are you going to take extra good care of him?’
    ‘Yes you are,’ said Daniel, manipulating Giggles’s flab in such a way as to suggest fondness. ‘Yes you are, aren’t you boy?’
    Giggles looked at Daniel with what Daniel would have described, had he been in any way anthropomorphically inclined, as mute scepticism.
    ‘Well I suppose I should be getting on,’ said Sebastian.
    ‘Of course,’ said Daniel. ‘You must have God knows how many banners to furl.’
    Sebastian gave him a withering look which by pure free association Daniel then saw transferred to the face of the hulking tabby on his lap.
    ‘There’s actually an awful lot to co-ordinate,’ said Sebastian.
    ‘How long do you think you’ll be away?’ said Daniel.
    ‘Just a few days,’ said Angelica.
    ‘Very difficult to tell,’ said Sebastian.
    ‘I could go and come back,’ said Angelica.
    ‘Where will you be based?’ said Daniel.
    ‘Not far,’ said Angelica. ‘Right, Sebastian?’
    ‘Very difficult to tell,’ said Sebastian.

    L ate in the evening Daniel’s father called to say he’d died. This was something he was periodically inclined to do.
    ‘I’ve been counting,’ he said. ‘My