Idiopathy

what?’
    ‘Look, this is kind of a tangent, you know.’
    ‘No, no. I’m interested. What’s she demonstrating about?’
    ‘It’s a protest against the cattle cull.’
    ‘
Reaaaallllllllyyy
?’
    ‘Are you about to get all judgemental?’
    ‘Not at all. I think that’s very admirable. I’ve always said, not enough people care about the environment and the animals and all that. You know, one earth, one chance, the web of nature and all that. Peace.’
    ‘Shall we move on?’
    ‘I can’t believe you’re so touchy about this. Aren’t you proud of her?’
    ‘Of course I’m proud of her,’ he said flatly. ‘Anyway, I think we’re done here.’
    ‘I think it’s lovely that you’re embracing your hippy side more. It’s always been there. It’s like you’re coming out.’
    ‘OK, so, take care …’
    He managed to get the phone from his ear and halfway towards the table before her voice won out.
    ‘Whoa there. What about arrangements?’
    ‘What arrangements?’
    ‘For the
weekend
? I don’t even know where you live.’
    ‘Oh. I see.’
    ‘You
see
.’
    ‘Ah …’
    ‘I am invited, of course?’
    ‘Well, it’s not that you’re
not
invited …’
    ‘OK. Fuck you too.’
    ‘Hey, hold
on
.’
    ‘No, no, it’s fine, whatever. Never mind that he actually called
me
and then
I
called
you
. Never mind that he’s
my
friend too, probably actually really more my friend than yours, if we get right down to it. No, you just go right ahead and do whatever the fuck you want to do and fuck everyone else. That’s
fine
.’
    ‘Can I speak?’
    ‘Oh don’t do the whole thing of asking if you can speak like I’m talking so much you can’t get a word in edgeways. Of course you can fucking
speak
. I’d actually be very interested to hear what you have to say.’
    ‘Right.’
    Neither of them said anything for several seconds. Daniel wondered if Katherine could hear his brain whirring as the cogs of all his thoughts and motivations and horrid conflicts heaved against each other.
    ‘Well say something then,’ she said.
    ‘I’m
about
to say something if you’ll give me a chance.
Christ
.’
    He heard her chuckle grimly at the other end of the phone, happy at having lured him into anger. He kept forgetting what he’d only just decided to say.
    ‘We haven’t seen each other in a year,’ he said slowly.
    ‘That’s not my fault.’
    ‘I’m not saying it’s your fault. I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault. But it is a fact.’
    ‘This is going to take forever, isn’t it?’
    ‘No. What was I saying?’
    ‘We haven’t seen each other for a year.’
    ‘Right. We haven’t seen each other for a year, or even actually had any contact. We haven’t spoken on the phone …’
    ‘I know all this,’ she said. ‘Although I would point out that you still sent a Christmas card to my mother, which I would ask you not to do again.’
    ‘OK, point taken.’ Daniel did a hurrying motion with his free hand despite the fact that Katherine couldn’t see him. ‘Anyway, we haven’t had any contact with each other, and now we are having contact and let’s be honest neither of us is enjoying it.’
    ‘I didn’t say I wasn’t enjoying it.’
    ‘Well you’re acting like you’re not enjoying it.’
    ‘Me? What about you with all your practicalities? If it’s a heart-to-heart you want, try turning your office voice off and being discernibly human for a discernible period of time.’
    Katherine was warming up, he thought, finding her rhythm and range. He was warming up too, although in a less metaphorical sense. He ran his palm across his forehead and then wiped it on his leg.
    ‘That’s because you’re not listening,’ he said.
    ‘How can you say I’m not listening when I’ve responded to absolutely everything you’ve said? I’m fully alert. I’m catching every word. My ears are open.’
    ‘We haven’t been in touch,’ he began again, mustering his slowest, calmest tones, which he knew pissed her off but which he always ended up doing anyway. ‘Now we are in touch and we’re not getting along.’
    ‘Why do you say we’re not getting along?’
    ‘Is that a serious question?’
    ‘Yeah. I mean OK, there’s a touch of friction …’
    ‘A
touch
of friction?’
    ‘Yeah. But that doesn’t mean …’
    ‘OK, whatever. That’s not the point. The point is …’
    ‘What’s the point?’
    ‘I am TELLING you the point.’
    ‘OK. Don’t let me stop you.’
    ‘The point