Idiopathy

is, do we really want to lay all this on Nathan? That’s the point.’
    Her silence was pointed. It was her I-can’t-believe-the-stupidity-of-what-you-just-said silence.
    ‘OK …’ she said.
    ‘You see what I’m saying?’
    ‘No.’
    ‘He doesn’t need this. He hasn’t been well.’
    ‘So he’s made of glass now?’
    ‘OK, put it another way:
no one
needs this. I don’t need this. You don’t need this.’
    ‘Maybe don’t start telling me what I do and don’t need, yeah?’
    ‘This isn’t helping anyone. This isn’t making anyone happy.’
    ‘Oh yeah, I forgot, we all have to be happy all the time.’
    ‘Look, the point is …’
    ‘Stop
saying
that. Stop telling me what the sodding point is all the time as if I’m too stupid to see what the point is or as if the only point that matters is
your
point.
I’ll
tell you what the point is. The point is Nathan rang
me
, and in trying to be an
adult
I rang
you
, and now you’ve taken it upon yourself to go all unilateral on the situation, which is what you
always
do because you’re obsessed with this idea that there’s only ever one way to deal with anything. You’ve sidelined me without even having a discussion about it because you don’t want a discussion because you’re a pussy and you know you’d
lose
any discussion we had not only because you’re wrong and you know it but also because you’re so determined
not
to have an argument or rock the boat or anything that you just end up totally backing down all the time, and you know that, so you just try and do things without discussing them with anyone.’
    ‘How can you
lose
a discussion? Only you, Katherine, would regard a discussion as something that has to be won or lost.’
    ‘Please don’t get all Confucius-he-say with me, Daniel, because it’s unbelievably pointless and annoying. Of course a discussion can be lost. You of all people should know that because you lose them all the time.’
    ‘Whatever. And I haven’t sidelined you. Nathan can still come and see you after he’s seen me.’
    ‘How about you just tell me when and where I can come and see you.’
    ‘Jesus Christ.’
    ‘I can find out anyway.’
    ‘Are you threatening me?’
    ‘Are you scared?’
    ‘No, I’m not scared,’ said Daniel, who was scared. ‘Why should I be scared?’
    ‘Well stop acting like you’re scared.’
    ‘Being scared has absolutely nothing to do with it. I just think that Nathan really doesn’t need the discomfort of being there when we see each other for the first time in God knows how long, that’s all.’
    ‘Ah. Right. Well. The solution’s pretty obvious then, isn’t it?’
    ‘Is it?’
    ‘Let’s meet up before. Then it won’t be the first time, will it?’
    Daniel considered this, or rather he attempted to consider a response to it that would ensure it didn’t happen while also ensuring he didn’t come across as a callous shit. He wondered why he was so worried about how he came across all the time, particularly to someone he was fairly sure he didn’t like.
    ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ he said.
    ‘You don’t.’
    ‘I don’t.’
    ‘You don’t think it’s a good idea.’
    Every time she made him say it again his doubt levels crept up another few degrees.
    ‘I really don’t think it’s a good idea,’ he said.
    ‘Why?’
    She was, of course, bound to ask that, but the second she asked it it became the one thing he felt incapable of answering. He wondered what the best answer would be, and it struck him that if he could switch off his automatic attempts to find the right answer and just go with whatever his answer actually was then this whole process would be a lot easier.
    ‘I, ah, I think it’s too soon,’ he said decisively.
    ‘Well, when would be the right time? Tell me, Daniel, what is an
appropriate
amount of time?’
    ‘Well …’
    ‘Don’t rush your answer.’
    ‘I don’t think it can be measured,’ he said, pressing on. ‘It’s more just a feeling. It doesn’t feel like a good time.’
    She sniffed, lit another cigarette.
    ‘OK,’ she said. ‘Fine.’
    ‘Really?’
    ‘Of course. If you’re really that immature and frightened and pathetic then there’s nothing I can do about it.’
    All he needed to say, he thought, was:
I am
, and then he would not have to see her.
    ‘Because that’s a really mature response,’ he said.
    She said nothing. She was smoking incredibly loudly.
    ‘I’m just trying to be