Lamb: the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

serve?”
    “Stand up, Joseph. Help roll away this stone.”
    As with many of the larger tombs carved into the side of the mountain, there was a large flat stone covering the doorway. Joshua put his arms around Maggie and Martha while the rest of us wrestled with the stone. As soon as the seal was broken I was hit with a stench that gagged me and Thomas actually lost his supper in the dirt.
    “He stinks,” said Matthew.
    “I thought he would smell more like a cat,” said Thomas.
    “Don’t make me come over there, Thomas,” I said.
    We pushed the stone as far as it would go, then we ran away gasping for fresh air.
    Joshua held his arms out as if waiting to embrace his friend. “Come out, Simon Lazarus, come out into the light.” Nothing but stench came out of the tomb.
    “Come forth, Simon. Come out of that tomb,” Joshua commanded.
    And absolutely nothing happened.
    Joseph of Arimathea shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. “I wanted to talk to you about the dinner at my house before you got there, Joshua.”
    Joshua held up his hand for silence.
    “Simon, dammit, come out of there.”
    And ever so weakly, there came a voice from inside the tomb. “No.”
    “What do you mean, ‘no’? You have risen from the dead, now come forth. Show these unbelievers that you have risen.”
    “I believe,” I said.
    “Convinced me,” said Matthew.
    “A no is as good as a personal appearance, as far as I’m concerned,” said Joseph of Arimathea.
    I’m not sure any of us who had smelled the stench of rotting flesh really wanted to see the source. Even Maggie and Martha seemed a little dubious about their brother’s coming out.
    “Simon, get your leprous ass out here,” Joshua commanded.
    “But I’m…I’m all icky.”
    “We’ve all seen icky before,” said Joshua. “Now come out into the light.”
    “My skin is all green, like an unripe olive.”
    “Olive green!” declared Crustus, who had followed us into Kidron. “I told you it wasn’t chartreuse.”
    “What the hell does he know? He’s dead,” said Abel.
    Finally Joshua lowered his arms and stormed into the tomb. “I can’t believe that you bring a guy back from the dead and he doesn’t even have the courtesy to come out—WHOA! HOLY MOLY!” Joshua came backing out of the tomb, stiff-legged. Very calmly and quietly, he said, “We need clean clothes, and some water to wash with, and bandages, lots of bandages. I can heal him, but we have to sort of get all of his parts stuck back together first.”
    “Hold on, Simon,” Joshua shouted to the tomb, “we’re getting some supplies, then I’ll come in and heal your affliction.”
    “What affliction?” asked Simon.

C hapter 29
    When it was all finished, Simon looked great, better than I’d ever seen him look. Joshua had not only raised him from the dead, but also healed his leprosy. Maggie and Martha were ecstatic. The new and improved Simon invited us back to his house to celebrate. Unfortunately, Abel and Crustus had witnessed the resurrection and the healing, and despite our admonishments, they started to spread the story through Bethany and Jerusalem.
    Joseph of Arimathea accompanied us to Simon’s house, but he was hardly in a celebratory mood. “This dinner’s not exactly a trap,” he told Joshua, “it’s more like a test.”
    “I’ve been to one of their trials by dinner,” said Joshua. “I thought you were a believer.”
    “I am,” said Joseph, “especially after what I saw today, but that’s why you have to come to my house and have dinner with the Pharisees from the council. Show them who you are. Explain to them in an informal setting what it is that you are doing.”
    “Satan himself once asked me to prove myself,” said Joshua. “What proof do I owe these hypocrites?”
    “Please, Joshua. They may be hypocrites, but they have great influence over the people. Because they condemn you the people are afraid to listen to the Word. I know Pontius Pilate, I don’t think anyone would harm you in my home and risk his wrath.”
    Joshua sat for a moment, sipping his wine. “Then into the den of vipers I shall go.”
    “Don’t do it, Joshua,” I said.
    “And you have to come alone,” said Joseph. “You can’t bring any of the apostles.”
    “That’s not a problem,” I said. “I’m only a disciple.”
    “Especially not him,” said Joseph. “Jakan bar Iban will be there.”
    “So I guess it’s another night sitting home for me, too,” said