Lamb: the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

ask and I will give it to him.”
    “Give me the rest of your money,” I said.
    “Forget it,” said Joshua.
    “But you just said—”
    “Yeah, but not to you.”

    Most nights Joshua and I slept in the open, outside Ahmad’s tent, or if the night was especially cold, among the camels, where we would endure their grunting and snorting to get out of the wind. The guards slept in two-man tents, except for two who stood guard all night. Many nights, long after the camp was quiet, Joshua and I would lie looking up at the stars and pondering the great questions of life.
    “Josh, do you think the bandits will rob us and kill us, or just rob us?”
    “Rob us, then kill us, I would think,” said Josh. “Just in case they missed something that we had hidden, they could torture its whereabouts out of us.”
    “Good point,” I said.
    “Do you think Ahmad has sex with Kanuni?” Joshua asked.
    “I know he does. He told me he does.”
    “What do you think it’s like? With them I mean? Him so fat and her so, you know?”
    “Frankly, Joshua, I’d rather not think about it. But thanks for putting that picture in my head.”
    “You mean you can imagine them together?”
    “Stop it, Joshua. I can’t tell you what sin is like. You’re going to have to do it yourself. What’s next? I’ll have to murder someone so I can explain what it’s like to kill?”
    “No, I don’t want to kill.”
    “Well, that might be one you have to do, Josh. I don’t think the Romans are going to go away because you ask them to.”
    “I’ll find a way. I just don’t know it yet.”
    “Wouldn’t it be funny if you weren’t the Messiah? I mean if you abstained from knowing a woman your whole life, only to find out that you were just a minor prophet?”
    “Yeah, that would be funny,” said Josh. He wasn’t smiling.
    “Kind of funny?”

    The journey seemed to go surprisingly fast once we knew we were being followed by bandits. It gave us something to talk about and our backs stayed limber, as we were always twisting in our saddles and checking the horizon. I was almost sad when they finally, after ten days on our trail, decided to attack.
    Ahmad, who was usually at the front of the caravan, fell back and rode beside us. “The bandits will ambush us inside that pass just ahead,” he said.
    The road snaked into a canyon with steep slopes on either side topped by rows of huge boulders and wind-eroded towers. “They’re hiding in those boulders on top of either ridge,” Ahmad said. “Don’t stare, you’ll give us away.”
    Joshua said, “If you know that they’re going to attack, why not pull up and defend ourselves?”
    “They will attack one way or another anyway. Better an ambush we know about than one we don’t. And they don’t know we know.”
    I noticed the squat guards with the mustaches take short bows from pouches behind their saddles, and as subtly as a man might brush a cobweb from his eyelash, they strung the bows. If you’d been watching them from a distance you’d have hardly seen them move.
    “What do you want us to do?” I asked Ahmad.
    “Try not to get killed. Especially you, Joshua. Balthasar will be very angry indeed if I show up with you dead.”
    “Wait,” said Joshua, “Balthasar knows we are coming?”
    “Why, yes,” laughed Ahmad. “He told me to look for you. What, you think I help every pair of runts that wander into the market at Antioch?”
    “Runts?” I had momentarily forgotten about the ambush.
    “How long ago did he tell you to look for us?”
    “I don’t know, right after he first left Antioch for Kabul, maybe ten years ago. It doesn’t matter now, I have to get back to Kanuni, bandits scare her.”
    “Let them get a good look at her,” I said. “We’ll see who scares who.”
    “Don’t look at the ridges,” Ahmad said as he rode away.

    The bandits came down the sides of the canyon like a synchronized avalanche, driving their camels to the edge of balance, pushing a river of rocks and sand before them. There were twenty-five, maybe thirty of them, all dressed in black, half of them on camels waving swords or clubs, the other half on foot with long spears for gutting a camel rider.
    When they were committed to the charge, all of them sliding down the hillsides, the guards broke our caravan in the middle, leaving an empty spot in the road where the bandits’ charge would culminate. Their momentum was so great that the bandits were unable to change direction.