Life and Death are Wearing Me Out

bundles of cotton weighing a couple of hundred jin apiece eight hours a day, sometimes nine. They were on their feet the whole time. You should know what kind of job that was. You were a seasonal worker who should have gone back to your village home after three months, but when I thought about how good your parents had been to us, I kept you on. Then, later on, when the county commune was looking for people, I argued your case until they agreed to take you. Know what the county commune leaders said to me at the time? They said, ‘Old Pang, how come you want to send a blue-faced demonic-looking youngster to us?’ Know what I said to them? I said, ‘He’s an ugly kid, I’ll give you that, but he’s honest and trustworthy, and he can write.’ Granted, you did a good job for them and kept getting promotions, which made me happy and proud. But you have to know that without my recommendation to the county commune and Kangmei’s behind-the-scene support, you wouldn’t be where you are today. You’re well off, so you want to exchange one wife for another. That’s nothing new, and if putting your conscience aside and subjecting yourself to the taunts and curses of everyone around you don’t mean a thing to you, then go ahead, get your divorce. What difference can that make to the Pang family? But, goddamn it, you’ve gone and taken our Chunmiao ... do you know how old she is, Lan Jiefang? She’s exactly twenty years younger than you, still a child. If you go ahead with this, then you’re lower than a beast! How will you be able to face your parents if you do this? Or your in-laws? Or your wife and son? Or us?”
    By this time both Pang and his wife were crying. She reached over to dry his tears; he pushed her hand away and said with a mixture of sorrow and anger, “You can destroy yourself, Deputy Chief, there’s nothing I can do about that. But you cannot take my daughter with you!”
    I did not apologize to any of them. Their words, especially those of Pang Hu, had bored powerfully into my heart, and even though I had a thousand reasons to tell them all I was sorry, I didn’t. I had ten thousand excuses, and I knew that I ought to break it off with Pang Chunmiao and go back to my wife, but I also knew that was something I could never do.
    When Hezuo had written that message in blood, I actually considered ending the affair then, but as time passed, my longing for Chunmiao increased, until I felt as if my soul had left me. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t get a thing done at the office. Hell, I didn’t feel like getting anything done. The first thing I did after returning from the provincial capital was go to the bookstore to see Chunmiao, only to find an unfamiliar ruddy-faced woman standing where she usually stood. In a tone of cold indifference she told me that Pang Chunmiao had requested sick leave. The other two clerks were sneaking looks at me. Go ahead, look! Say bad things about me! I don’t care. Next I went to the bookstore’s singles dormitory. Her door was locked. From there I managed to find the home of Pang Hu and Wang Leyun, fronted by a village-style yard. The gate was padlocked. I shouted, but only managed to get neighborhood dogs barking. Despite knowing that Chunmiao would not run to the home of her sister, Kangmei, I nonetheless summoned up the courage to knock at her door. She lived in top-of-the-line County Committee housing, a two-story building protected by a high wall to keep visitors out. My deputy county chief ID card got me past the gate guard, and, as I said, I knocked at her door. Dogs in the compound set up a chorus of barking. I could see there was a camera above the door, so if anyone was home, they’d see it was me. No one came to the door. The gate guard came running up when he heard the noise, a look of panic on his face. He didn’t tell me to leave, he begged me to leave. I left and walked out to the busy street, barely able to keep from shouting: Where are you, Chunmiao? I can’t live another day without you! I’d rather die than lose you! I don’t give a damn about my reputation, my position, my family, riches ... I just want you. At least let me see you one more time. If you say you want to leave me, then I’ll die, and you can. .. .
    I didn’t apologize to them and I didn’t say what I was going to do. I got down on my knees in front of my father and mother and kowtowed. Then I turned and did the same to the Huangs, who were, after