Lifesaving for Beginners

Ant and Adrian laugh as if Ant had made a joke.
    Celia says, ‘You should do this another time, Hamish.’ She whispers it but I hear her.
    Dad says, ‘Och no, m’love. We need to tell them now. Besides, we could all do with a bit of good news.’ He smiles at us. ‘Couldn’t we, gang?’
    Nobody says anything. All you can hear is the tick and the tock of the clock on the wall; it’s in the shape of Ireland. Dad bought it for Mam years ago. I’ve never noticed how loud it is before.
    Then Dad says, ‘Celia and I are going to have a baby.’
    Nobody has anything to say to that so Dad keeps right on talking. ‘The baby is due on the twenty-second of December and we’re really—’
    I say, ‘That’s three days before my birthday.’
    Dad looks at me. ‘Oh, yes . . . yes, son, it is indeed.’
    Adrian stands up. He stands up so fast, his chair topples over. When he stands up, he’s taller than Dad. ‘Are you for real?’ He sounds just like Mam when he says that. She never said, ‘Are you serious?’
    Faith says, ‘Calm down, Adrian.’
    Ant sits at the table, eating the icing off the top of a bun, as if Dad hasn’t said anything about a baby coming three days before my birthday. As if Adrian isn’t standing in the middle of the kitchen, looking mad as hell.
    Dad takes a step back so Celia has to take a step back too. ‘Your mother would have been happy for us, Adrian.’
    Adrian walks right up to Dad, and when he speaks, his voice is really quiet. ‘Don’t even mention her name. I don’t even know what the hell you’re doing here. You and that girl.’ He doesn’t look at Celia when he says that but I’m pretty sure everyone knows who he means.
    Dad says, ‘Your mother would be glad I’m here.’
    ‘What the hell would you know about it?’ Adrian’s voice isn’t really quiet anymore. It’s more like a shout now.
    Dad says, ‘I’m still your father. You should—’
    ‘I should what? Respect you? A man who abandons his family and shacks up with a girl half his age and gets her pregnant and expects us all to be delighted with the news?’
    Adrian is shouting so loud you can hardly hear what he’s saying and that’s when Dad says, ‘You had better keep a civil tongue in your head, boy.’ And that’s when Adrian sort of lunges at him and grabs him by the collar of his shirt and he’s still shouting but I can’t make out what he’s saying. I can just see specks of spit landing on Dad’s face, and Dad is saying, ‘Get off me!’ and Faith is trying to step in between them and Celia picks up her handbag and hits Adrian with it a couple of times and shouts, ‘Let go of him!’ And that’s when Faith shouts at her. Something like, ‘Leave Adrian alone. He’s upset.’ And that’s when Celia says, ‘We came all the way down from Scotland. And this is the thanks we get.’
    In the end it’s Ant who sorts it out. He gets up from the table and walks over to Adrian and grabs him by the jacket, then pulls and pulls until Adrian has to let go of Dad’s shirt, but he doesn’t stop shouting so Ant keeps pulling him until he manages to get him out of the kitchen and down the hall and out of the house. Everything is quiet enough now to hear Celia crying but not so quiet that you can hear the tick and the tock of the clock anymore.
    Dad is standing by the sink, leaning on the worktop, puffing and panting like he’s just run a mile or something. Celia takes a tissue out of her bag and blows her nose really loudly. Faith sits down and puts her face in her hands.
    After a while she says, ‘I think you should go.’
    Dad sighs and shakes his head. He picks up his jacket that’s hanging on the back of the chair. He says, ‘I just thought . . . you’d all like the idea. A new life. After everything that’s happened, you know?’
    I nod and say, ‘A new baby will be nice, Dad.’ Even though I’m really hoping it doesn’t come late. Some babies come late. And if it came three days late, that would be my birthday and I’d prefer if it didn’t come on my birthday because then it wouldn’t really be my birthday anymore, would it?
    Dad drags his hand down his face. He looks pretty tired. His tie is crooked and a button of his jacket is hanging on by a thread. He nods and tucks his shirt back inside his trousers. He looks at Faith. ‘Maybe you’re right.’ Faith nods. Dad says, ‘I’ll ring you when I get home.’ It still feels weird. When Dad says ‘home’ and he doesn’t