Light in the Shadows

after that, I’d most likely be recommended for a group home to begin my outpatient treatment.  Given the reason I was here in the first place, I should be thankful I wasn't in a straight jacket at a psych ward.  I guess my parents' money was good for something.  Because of their fear of public humiliation, I had been carted off to the secluded Grayson Center.  And it had been the best thing they could have ever done for me.  Even if their motives were purely selfish.
     
                     I hadn't seen or spoken to my parents since being admitted.  They were supposed to be involved in my treatment.  Which meant family therapy, regular visits, and the whole nine yards.  I didn’t know how aware they were of my progress.  I was pretty sure Dr. Todd had kept them in the loop but I had yet to hear a peep out of them.
     
                       I didn't know if I should feel relief or disappointment.  Because that little boy needing his parents’ love still lived deep down inside of me.  As much as I wanted to squash him, he was still there, waving his arms, wanting their attention.  But then the almost adult man was much more of a realist and knew that those two particular individuals brought nothing but a whirlwind of shit with them and it was probably best that they stayed the hell away.
     
                      I wondered if they would bother to show up for my birthday next week.  I didn't even want to think about whether I would be gutted if they didn’t. 
     
                     I scrubbed my face with my hands and let out a noisy breath.  Then without thinking, I picked up the notebook and let it fall open to what I had written.  I propped it on my knee and stared at the barely legible words in front of me.
     
                      I remember your hair.  The way it smelled when you woke up beside me in the morning.  It's the best smell in the entire world.  I lay in the motel bed and buried my nose in your neck.  It was the most perfect moment of my entire life. 
     
                     I hated that such an amazing memory turned me into a panic ridden freak.  I wish I could just think of Maggie without crumbling.  But the reaction was intense and instantaneous.  I recognized the flutter of my heart and my breaths becoming shallow.  Here we go again.
     
                      God damn it!  NO!  I mentally screamed.  I forced myself to think of Maggie's eyes.  The way they crinkled when she laughed.  My heart was pounding so heavily in my chest; I could practically feel it rattling my ribs.  KEEP GOING!  I thought harshly.  Stop being such a pussy!
     
                      Kissing her that first time, even after acting like a total asshole.  The way she had melted into me.  Cherries.  That's what she tasted like.  Just like her lip gloss.  Was it weird that I bought a stick of it after that kiss and would carry it in my pocket, just so I could taste it?  Yeah, that was most definitely weird; I wouldn’t be admitting that out loud anytime soon.
     
                     I felt the dizzy lightheadedness of my panic attack as I forced myself to relieve the memories.  I was terrified that I would make myself forget them just because they hurt.  And as painful as it was to remember what I had lost, it was much more frightening to think of my life without those memories at all.  I needed them.  They were my reminder that there was something for me on the outside.  Something worth fighting for.
     
                     I took deep breaths as I concentrated on the memory of my girl.  The thousands of tiny moments that flashed through my head like a movie.  And after a while, my heart started to slow and my hands unclenched.
     
                     “Working on your tan?” a teasing voice called out.  I snapped out of my head and focused on Maria as she stepped through the doorway and into the garden.  I gave her a weak smile and lifted my shoulders.
     
                     “I was feeling a little pasty,” I joked back half-heartedly.  Maria narrowed her eyes and I knew she saw through my pathetic attempts at nonchalance.  Maria had become a close enough friend that she was able to call me on my bullshit with the best of them. 
     
                       “Well, you'd best get inside, group