Light in the Shadows

of snot to kill the heaviness.
     
                    “Enough with all of this crying.  It’s time for gifts!” Ruby enthused, giving me a watery smile before pulling three packages out of her bag.
     
                    “Ruby.  You didn’t have to get me anything.  You being here is more than enough,” I said, though I couldn’t help but feel the anticipatory excitement that I hadn’t felt in a long time.  The kind of bubbling in your stomach that you only feel on Christmas morning.  Or before you get behind the wheel of a car after getting your license.
     
                    Or before you kiss your girl for the first time.
     
                    Anyway…onto presents.
     
                    Ruby watched as I unwrapped the gifts.  She and Lisa had gotten me a new charcoal kit, a ridiculously expensive set of paint brushes and a bunch of new sketch books.  I couldn’t stop the goofy grin that spread across my face.  There was nothing in this world she could have given me that would have meant more.
     
                    Drawing and painting were everything to me.  I had become almost obsessive about it.  But it was that indelible part of me that I refused to ever give up.  I had lost so much already, but I would always have my art.
     
                    “I wasn’t sure exactly what you used, but the girl at the art store in Charlottesville assured me these were the best,” Ruby said a little nervously, as though worried I’d hate what she had gotten me.  I ran my hand through my hair, a little overwhelmed by those prickly emotions again.  But I didn’t worry about what those feelings could cause.  Medication, when done right, was a fantastic thing.
     
                    “They’re great Ruby.  Thank you.  I’ll call Lisa later to thank her as well.  This is just…” my voice trailed off and I grinned like an idiot at my aunt who was equally excited about my response to the presents.
     
                    Then suddenly Ruby’s mood sobered.  The change in her demeanor threw me and I was instantly on edge.  She reached into her bag and pulled out another gift.  This one wasn’t wrapped in the traditional birthday paper as the others had been.
     
                  Looking closely, I could see that this one was bundled up meticulously in the Davidson Gazette, the local paper of Davidson, Virginia.  I looked at Ruby questioningly.  She was staring down at the mysterious gift and I could tell she was uncomfortable.  What the hell was hiding in that paper?  A fucking bomb?
     
                    “More gifts, Ruby?  You shouldn’t have,” I joked, already hating the seriousness that had overtaken my typically jovial aunt.  Ruby clutched the object in her hands and held it out for me to take.  Slowly I reached for it.  It was heavier than it looked.  I couldn’t get a read on its contents through the thick paper.
     
                    I started to pull at the tape when Ruby covered my hand, stopping me.  She looked at me with concern and I dropped the object on the table.  “What is it Ruby?  Just spit it out,” I said feeling more than a little annoyed by the evasive bullshit going on.  What was so scary about a damn present?
     
                  Ruby sighed.  “It’s from Maggie,” she said quietly.
     
                    Oh.  Well, there was that.
     
                    I swear the air left my lungs and I felt like I was suffocating.  My heart started beating in overtime and I thought I might pass out.  It was nuts how just the mention of her name caused such an instant physical response.  It was like my body reacted on a primal level to it.
     
                    Ruby and I never talked about Maggie.  At least not in a very long time.  I rarely mentioned Maggie at all unless it was within the safe confines of therapy.  My memories of Maggie Young had proven complicated.  My crazy, fucked up mind had succeeded in twisting my beautiful girl into something that caused me complete and total anxiety.  The darkness that lived and breathed inside of me, while kept at bay for the most part, still worked to destroy the one thing that I had wanted most in my life.
     
                    The girl I loved beyond reason.  The one person who had been