Light in the Shadows

prepared to walk off the cliff with me.
     
                    And I had almost let her.
     
                    “Maggie?” I choked out, trying not to strangle on the effort it took to say her name.
     
                    Ruby nodded, her mouth tight with worry.  I knew she was scared that mentioning the girl I had loved and lost would make me lose it.  And part of me wanted to lose it.  It bubbled there, just beneath the surface.  The panic fluttered in my stomach and I struggled to keep it under control.  I was tempted to get angry.  To give into the rage that I felt when I realized how I may have sorted some crap out but in the process I had unleashed even more. 
     
                    But I held on to that rational part of Clayton Reed who recognized the futility of my anger and panic.  Knowing that it wouldn’t accomplish anything but set me back even further.  I needed to work through these tangled emotions and sort through the chaos they still created.  Maggie wasn’t the boogeyman.  She was my light.  My reminder of what I wanted in my life.  Of what I strove to have again. 
     
                    Holding onto that, I picked up the gift again and set it in my lap, fingering the creases in the folded paper.  “She came into the shop last week,” Ruby began, watching me closely.  I worked hard to keep my face perfectly neutral when inside I was cursing the fucking cosmos, fate, whatever, for this god damned tragedy that I called a life.
     
                    “Oh yeah?” I asked with the fakest attempt at casual that I had ever heard.  It was laughable.  I would have laughed if I hadn’t wanted to cut my fucking skin until I bled.
     
                    Damn it!  I would not feel this way! 
     
                    So I took a deep breath and counted to ten.  I found my shiny happy people place in my head and got my shit together.  Because as much as it hurt, I had to hear about Maggie.  I was starved for her.  I craved just the sound of her name.  So even though my body and mind labored under the turmoil she unleashed inside me, I would suck it up.  Because nothing could keep me from finding out what she had wrapped beneath the newspaper in my lap.
     
                    Ruby took another deep breath and continued.  “I hadn’t seen her since right after you had come to Florida.  Lisa had mentioned that she had seen her at that coffee shop in town.  She’s working there now.”  I nodded, encouraging her to keep going before I decided that I couldn’t hear any more.
     
                    “She looked beautiful as always.  Though I can tell she’s lost some weight and she was already too skinny,” Ruby rambled and I felt the guilt for the possibility that I had anything to do with Maggie’s weight loss.  My hands clenched around the package until my fingers ached. 
     
                    “Did she seem…okay?” I couldn’t help but ask.  Because if she wasn’t…
     
                    What would I do?  If Ruby told me Maggie was miserable and depressed, would I break the promise I made to myself to leave her alone?  I didn’t know.  The only thing I did know was that I couldn’t live my life knowing that she was unhappy.  My refusal to contact her, my reasons for sending my letter, was for her to have a clean break.  To let go of me and to live her life.
     
                    But if she was as miserable being away from me as I was being away from her, then I would throw all of my foolish good intentions straight out the window. 
     
                    “Yes, Clayton.  She seemed okay.  A little uncomfortable maybe, but she was good,” Ruby told me and I hated the selfish disappointment that I felt.  What sort of asshole did that make me?  Did I want Maggie to be unhappy?  Of course not.  But if she was doing alright, then it confirmed I had made the best decision in leaving her alone.  And that was a hard pill to swallow, even if it was the right thing to do.
     
                    “Well, that’s…uh…good to hear,” I stuttered, looking down at my white knuckles.  I wasn’t sure I’d survive this conversation.  This was tearing me apart.  Ruby eyed me again as if waiting for me to grow another head or something.
     
                    I