Light in the Shadows

it.
     
      And maybe I should start wearing a fucking tutu and take up ballet. 
     
      “Thanks for bringing it Ruby.  I appreciate it.”  I gave her a hug and I really did mean what I said.  As much as it had hurt, it had been a kind of necessary pain.  Because Maggie was entirely too necessary in every aspect of my life.
     
      Ruby and I were able to enjoy the rest of our time together without any more drama.  Jacqui came back thirty minutes later and let us know that we’d have to wrap up our visit.  “Where are you staying?” I asked Ruby as she gathered up her bag and we made our way to the office door.
     
      “I’ve gotten a room at the Comfort Inn over by the airport. I have an early morning flight,” Ruby said, going up on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek. 
     
      “I still can’t believe you flew down here for one night.  You’re crazy.  But awesome.  Definitely awesome,” I said with affection as Ruby looped her arm with mine.  Jacqui and I followed Ruby out.  And after a few more hugs, my amazing aunt got into her rental car and headed to her hotel.
     
      The scrap book felt like a weight in my hands. 
     

C HAPTER S IX   
    - C LAY-
     
     
     
     
     
                    I went to my room, forgoing the movie playing in the common room.  I was hoping to avoid my friends, needing to be alone.  I practically fell on my bed and threw an arm over my eyes.  I wanted to sleep but knew that with the way my mind was whirling, that wouldn’t happen. 
     
                    So I sat up and pulled out Maggie’s scrap book, taking longer to go through the pages this time.  Lingering over each and every picture.  Making myself remember when I had drawn them and why.  Forcing the memories that both tortured and thrilled me.
     
                    There were dozens of drawings depicting Maggie’s face.  I had never been able to get enough of drawing her.  She was, and still is, my favorite subject.  My eyes followed the slope of her jaw line, the small divot in her chin.  The tiny freckle above her lip that I remembered touching with my tongue.  Her hair, thick and heavy in my hands as I moved it away from her neck so that I could kiss the sensitive spot at the nape that would always make her shiver. 
     
                    I looked up at the clock on the wall and without allowing any time to talk myself out of the crazy idea that had just popped into my head; I got to my feet and headed out into the hallway. 
     
                    I headed toward Jacqui’s office again and knocked softly.  “Come in,” I heard her say on the other side.  I opened the door and walked in.  She looked up at me in surprise.  “Clay, didn’t I just see you?” she joked.
     
                    I gave her a tight smile, gearing myself up for the lie I was about to tell.  “I wanted to know if I could call Lisa, Ruby’s partner.  She wasn’t able to make it down and I wanted to thank her for my gifts,” I said, proud and a little disappointed with how easily dishonesty still tripped off my tongue.  But phone calls were limited to immediate family members and those deemed “integral members” of my support system.  So the lie was necessary.
     
                    Jacqui smiled.  “Of course.  Do you have your calling card?” she asked me.  I pulled the small paper card out of my pocket and held it up.  “Well, come have a seat.  I’ll give you some privacy,” Jacqui said kindly, getting up to leave her office.
     
                    “Thanks,” I told her, reaching for the phone.  Once I was alone and the office door closed behind Jacqui, I took a deep breath and quickly dialed the number burned into my brain.  It started to ring and I had to stop myself from hyperventilating.  Shit, I was really doing this.  Why the fuck was I doing this?  Maybe I should hang up. 
     
                    Me and my dumb spontaneity.  Hadn’t I learned that it wasn’t always smart to jump in the water with all my clothes on?  To hang up or to not hang up, that really was the question.  And how long was I going to sit here and debate with myself about it? 
     
                  Yeah, I should just hang up.  Doing this now, after such a long time would only serve to dredge up a mountain of shit.  My finger twitched and hovered over the end button.  And