Light in the Shadows

rest of the movie.  Nothin’ like a little Will Ferrell to make things all better.”  Maria wrapped her arm around my waist and pulled me in the direction of the common room.  I wasn’t really up for company right now, but I let Maria pull me along anyway. 
     
                    And the truth was I was sick and tired of living this fucked up drama I called a life.  Watching some stupid comedy may be just the thing I needed.  The thing to stop me from obsessing about Maggie May Young for the rest of the night.  Because god knows that would only mean more cutting and more shame. 
     
                    I had been doing so fucking well.  Just when I thought I had turned a corner, I hit the wall at a hundred miles per hour.  Enough of this shit!  I forcibly put Maggie out of my mind, convincing myself that it was high time I moved on.  Isn’t that what I wanted for her?  To have a normal life full of normal relationships?  Something that made her happy?
     
                    Well it was time I started wanting the good stuff for myself as well.  And while I would never give up on my love for the girl in Davidson, Virginia; I had to try and learn to live my life without her in it.  Because tonight’s conversation made it very clear that a life together wasn’t in the cards.  Particularly while I was still far from being the person I wanted to be.
     
                    That phone call had been the ultimate test.  And I had failed big time.  There would be no do over.  This was it.  I had been obsessing since leaving Virginia about talking to Maggie again.  How would she react?  How would I react?  Well, I had my answer.  And if it wasn’t the one I wanted, it was the one I was stuck with.
     
                    I could either wallow or whine about life not being fair or I could suck it up and find something else to live for.  And maybe, for once, it should be for myself. 
     
    A bunch of our friends called out greetings as Maria and I entered the common room.  This was good.  This was what I needed.  I wrapped an arm around Maria and gave her a quick squeeze before letting her go.
     
                    She looked up at me smiled.   “I think you could use some leftover birthday cake,” she said seriously and then laughed when Tyler and Greg piped up stating that they wanted their own slices.  Looking around the room, I was happy with this tiny bit of life I had carved out for myself at Grayson.  I just wish I could take this with me when I left.
     
                    Because I wasn’t so sure the life I had waiting for me on the outside was one that I wanted.
     
    ***
     
     
                    “So you cut again,” Dr. Todd said, steepling his fingers under his chin.  It was the day after my birthday and I had come clean with my therapist.  I had thought seriously about not telling him.  About keeping it my little, nasty secret.
     
                    But then I would be backsliding even more.  And last night was all about revelations.  And I was through with sabotaging myself.  Even as I had thought I was getting better, my ugly subconscious was lying in wait to fuck it all to hell.  So I was taking this bitch by the horns and dealing with it.
     
                    I laced my fingers behind my neck and leaned back on the leather couch in Doc’s office.  “Yep.  I did.  And it felt good for about thirty seconds and then…” I trailed off, pulling my hands apart so I would stop stroking the scabbed cut with my thumb. 
     
                     “Then…” Dr. Todd prompted.  I blew out a breath, and pushed my hair out of my face.  I forced myself to make eye contact with the man who waited expectantly for my answer.  There was no judgment there, no disappointment that I had relapsed.  Only patience and understanding.  Damn this guy was good.
     
                    “And then I felt horrible about it.  Mad at myself, you know?”  I started to bounce my knees up and down.  I was agitated and edgy.  I had already gnawed the skin off around my fingers and had begun to pick at the hole in my jeans.
     
                    “Good,” Dr. Todd said forcefully.  I blinked at him in surprise.  Huh?  Had he just said it was good that I felt like shit?  That didn’t seem right.