Long_Way_Home

against the wall so he could pass me with a wide berth.
    He went to the fireplace and stripped off his gloves, holding his hands to the fire as if it was giving off heat. “Saw the lights, and thought I’d come over and make sure everything’s okay.”
    “That was nice of you,” I said inanely.
    “Why is it so fucking cold in here?” Jake demanded.

12
    The Long Way Home / Catt Ford

    “Thermocouple’s busted.”
    “Oh.” His eyes were dark and closed off, as if he never let anyone get a look inside any more. I wondered what had happened to him. “Guess you’re kinda stuck then.” Other than appearing unhappy, he looked good. He had filled out some, no longer a boy and now fully a man, but he was still lean and strong looking. The sun had etched some lines around his eyes and his mouth, as if life hadn’t been easy for him either in the years since I’d last seen him.
    His hair was still dark, hanging over his forehead, and his skin was tanned, like he’d been dipped in bronze, glowing in the firelight as if it had kissed him with health and life.
    “How’ve you been?” I asked, knowing how lame I sounded.
    He didn’t give any indication that he heard me speak as he studied me, searching out the changes, cataloging good and bad. “You look good,” he said, carefully, and I thought, grudgingly.
    “You do too.”
    I felt as if I was treading water in place, wishing he would just go, and yet dreading it.
    “How come you just left that way? Without a word?” I shifted restlessly. “It was better…” I stopped, realizing I didn’t want to have to explain why it was better.

13
    The Long Way Home / Catt Ford

    “It’s better out there?” He swept his arm, as if including the entire outside world.
    I shrugged. “Some things are.”
    “What was so bad here that you had to run?” Seeing him again aroused all the same yearnings within me. I wanted him so bad and I couldn’t tell him that was why I’d had to run. That I couldn’t trust myself around him. Even now, wanting him to go, terrified that he would be repulsed if I shared my secret and never want to see me again, I was half hard with wanting him.
    I stood there staring at him. It was a vain hope that he would leave; he wasn’t like that. He was tenacious; he’d asked me a question and he would stay there until he got an answer.
    “You can’t run from me that way,” Jake said. “Why did you leave without telling me?”
    Suddenly I didn’t want to hide who I was any longer.
    What really made up my mind was the bone-deep loneliness I felt radiating off him. I could relate; I’d lost him too. I’d been living openly as a gay man in the city and it made me mad that my best friend didn’t know me. Even if he recoiled from me in horror, at least the truth would be out in the open at last.

14
    The Long Way Home / Catt Ford

    “I didn’t want to dance at your wedding.” I could have smacked myself in the forehead. Way to boldly declare my sexual orientation!
    His lips curved slightly upward and trembled, like he was trying not to smile. “What wedding?”
    “I thought you were engaged to June Singer,” I said stupidly. “You’ve been married the last five years…. Haven’t you?”
    “Married? What makes you think I was married?”
    “I – I just assumed – Your sister Leslie told me you were engaged,” I said, feeling stunned.
    “Did you ever ask your mother?”
    “No.” The truth was that I couldn’t bear to hear about his wedded bliss so I’d never asked.
    Finally the smile that was struggling to emerge succeeded and familiar dimples dug into his cheeks. “June was her best friend. Les was always trying to get me to date her.” He waved a dismissive hand. “She’s not my type.”
    “Oh.”
    “Aren’t you going to ask what my type is?”
    “Jake, I’m gay,” I blurted. I steeled myself as I waited for his response, for him to yell at me, or sneer, or maybe just leave without another word.

15
    The Long Way Home / Catt Ford

    “Well, damn. So that’s what it was.” I looked up; his eyes were luminous again and he was grinning at me, the same open, delighted smile of the photograph when we were ten. “I thought you ran because you figured out how I felt about you.”
    “You – you – felt about – I ran –” I sputtered. “ You’re gay too?”
    “Yeah, you, me, and I.” He looked good enough to eat.
    “What are the odds?” He stripped off his gloves and held out his hand to me.
    I took