Losing Hope

damndest not to smile. She’s being so serious and straightforward right now, but dammit. I can’t.
    My smile finally gives way and I laugh. Her eyes grow angrier, which only makes me laugh harder. “ Drugs?” I’m trying to stop, but the more I think about how much this has affected us the entire last month, it just makes me laugh even harder. “You think I’m on drugs ?”
    Her expression doesn’t change at all. She’s pissed. I hold my breath in an attempt to stop the laughter until I’m able to keep a straight face. I lean forward and take her hand in mine, looking her directly in the eyes. “I’m not on drugs, Sky. I promise. I don’t know why you would think that, but I swear.”
    “Then what the hell is wrong with you?” she snaps.
    Shit. I hate the look on her face. She’s hurt. Disappointed. Exhausted. I’m not sure which part of my unexplained, erratic behavior she’s referring to, but I honestly have no idea how to answer that. What is wrong with me? What’s not wrong with me?
    “Can you be a little less vague?” I ask her.
    She shrugs. “Sure. What happened to us and why are you acting like it never happened?”
    Damn. That hurts. She thinks I just brushed everything that happened between us under the rug? I want to tell her everything. I want to tell her how much she means to me and how this has been one of the hardest months of my life. I want to tell her about Les and her and me, and how much it fucking hurts that she doesn’t remember. How can she just forget such a significant part of her life?
    Maybe Les and I weren’t as significant to her as I thought. I look down at my arm. I trace the H and the O and the P and the E, wishing she remembered. But then again, if she remembered . . . she’d also know the meaning behind this tattoo. She’d know that I let her down. She’d remember that everything that’s happened in her life for the last thirteen years is a direct result of me.
    I look her in the eyes and answer her with the most honest answer I’ll allow myself to give her. “I didn’t want to let you down, Sky. I’ve let everyone down in my life that’s ever loved me, and after that day at lunch I knew I let you down, too. So . . . I left you before you could start loving me. Otherwise, any effort to try not to disappoint you would be hopeless.”
    Her eyes cloud with disappointment. I know I’m being vague again, but I can’t tell her. Not right now. Not until I know for sure that she’ll be okay.
    “Why couldn’t you just say it, Holder? Why couldn’t you just apologize?”
    The hurt in her voice grips my heart. I look her directly in the eyes so she’ll see how important it is to me that she never accepts how I treated her. “I’m not apologizing to you . . . because I don’t want you to forgive me.”
    She immediately squeezes her eyes shut, trying to hold back tears. Nothing I can say could make her feel better about what happened between us. I release her hand and stand up, then walk to her and pick her up. I set her down on top of the bar so that we’re at eye level. She may not believe the words that come out of my mouth, but I need her to feel me. I need her to see the sincerity in my eyes and the honesty in my voice so she’ll know I didn’t mean to hurt her. I only wanted to protect her from feeling this way, but I’ve only made it worse.
    “Babe, I screwed up. I’ve screwed up more than once with you, I know that. But believe me, what happened at lunch that day wasn’t jealousy or anger or anything that should ever scare you. I wish I could tell you what happened, but I can’t. Someday I will, but I can’t right now and I need you to accept that. Please. And I’m not apologizing to you, because I don’t want you to forget what happened and you should never forgive me for it. Ever. Never make excuses for me, Sky.”
    She’s taking in every word I’m saying and I love that about her. I lean in and kiss her, then pull back and continue saying what I need to say while she’s still willing to hear me out.
    “I told myself to just stay away from you and let you be mad at me, because I do have so many issues that I’m not ready to share with you yet. And I tried so hard to stay away, but I can’t. I’m not strong enough to keep denying whatever this is we could have. And yesterday in the lunchroom when you were hugging Breckin and laughing with him? It felt so good to see you happy, Sky. But I wanted so bad to be the one who