Losing Hope

heart.
    So right now, I’m doing everything I can to show her that she’s the only girl I think about.
    Just her.
    I’m kissing her, propped up on my hands and knees, attempting to avoid making her feel like I brought her here for anything other than to just spend time with her.
    But she is wearing a dress again.
    After those two hours in Daniel’s basement I think we were both pretty impressed with how well my hands and her dress became acquainted. We were also pretty impressed with how well my hands and the clothing under her dress became acquainted.
    But now, here she is, wearing a dress again. And we passed quite a few firsts on that couch two weeks ago. So much so that it pretty much only leaves one more first to pass tonight and the fact that she knows that and I know that and she’s still wearing a dress has my mind jumbled and my heart racing.
    It also didn’t help matters that before we made it up here to the bedroom, we were making out on the stairs and she blurted out the fact that she was a virgin. I already knew she was a virgin, but just the fact that she was thinking about it while I was kissing her to the point that she actually blurted it out loud leads me to believe that she just wanted to warn me for when we got to that point.
    And I’m thinking she’s at that point, which is why she felt the need to clear the air downstairs, so she wouldn’t have to say it when it actually came to that point.
    To the point it’s at right now.
    The point at which I’m thanking the angels and the gods and the birds and the bees and sweet baby Jesus that she’s wearing this dress. If there’s one thing that can ease my guilt and allow me to focus solely on her for the time being, it’s this dress.
    “Holy shit, Sky,” I say, kissing her madly. “God, you feel incredible. Thank you for wearing this dress. I really . . .” I kiss down her chin until my lips meet her neck. “I really like it. Your dress.” I continue kissing her neck and she tilts her head back, allowing me easier access. I drop my hand to her thigh and run it up under her dress. When I reach the top of her thigh I desperately want to keep going. But the fact that she’s allowed me there once before doesn’t mean I’m allowed there right now.
    But apparently I am, because she twists her body more toward mine, directing my hand to keep heading where it’s heading. Her hands crawl up my back just as my hand greets the panties lining her hip. I slip my fingers underneath the lining and begin to tug at the same time she pulls on my shirt.
    She begins to pull it over my head and I’m forced to move my hand away. I squeeze her thigh, not wanting to have to pull back, but I’m pretty sure I want my shirt off just as much as she wants it off.
    As soon as I lift up onto my knees, away from her, she whimpers. The sound makes me smile and after my shirt is off, I bend forward and kiss the corner of her lips. I bring my hand to her face and gently stroke her hairline, watching her. I know we’re about to pass the most significant first of all and I want to memorize everything about this moment. I want to remember exactly what she looks like lying beneath me. I want to remember exactly what she sounds like the moment I’m inside her. I want to remember what she tastes like and what she feels like and what she—
    “Holder,” she says, breathlessly.
    “Sky,” I say, mimicking her. I don’t know what she’s about to say but whatever it is, it can wait a few seconds, because I need to kiss her again. I dip my head and part her lips until our tongues meet. We kiss slowly while I memorize every inch of her mouth.
    “Holder,” she says again, pulling away from my mouth. She brings her hand to my cheek and looks up into my eyes. “I want to. Tonight. Right now.”
    Right now. She said right now. That’s nice because I conveniently don’t have any prior engagements right now. I can do right now.
    “Sky . . .” I say, wanting to make sure she’s not doing this just to benefit me. “We don’t have to. I want you to be absolutely positive it’s what you want. Okay? I don’t want to rush you into anything.”
    She smiles and strokes her fingernails up and down my arms. “I know that. But I’m telling you I want this. I’ve never wanted it with anyone before, but I want it with you.”
    There’s no doubt in my mind that I want her. I want her right now and she obviously wants me, too. But I can’t help but feel guilty,