Losing Hope

knowing I’m still deceiving her. I haven’t told her the truth about us and I feel like if she knew, she wouldn’t be making this decision.
    I’m about to pull away from her until she places her hand on my cheeks and lifts herself off the bed until her lips are touching mine. “This isn’t me saying yes , Holder. This is me saying please .”
    What was it I was thinking just now? Something about waiting?
    Fuck that.
    Our lips collide and I groan, pushing her back against the bed. “We’re really doing this?” I ask, not really believing it myself.
    “Yes.” She laughs. “We’re really doing this. I’ve never been more positive of anything in my life.”
    My hand resumes its position and I begin to pull down her panties.
    “I just need you to promise me one thing first,” she says.
    I pull my hand away, thinking maybe she’s about to tell me to go a little slower. “Anything.”
    She takes my hand and places it right back on her hip. “I want to do this,” she says, firmly looking into my eyes. “But only if you promise we’ll break the record for the best first time in the history of first times.”
    I smile. Damn straight. “When it’s you and me, Sky . . . it’ll never be anything less.”
    I slide my arm underneath her back and pull her up. I curl my fingers underneath the straps of her dress, then slowly slide them down her arms. She fists one of her hands through my hair, pressing her cheek to mine while my lips meet her shoulder. My fingers are still holding on to the straps of her dress.
    “I’m taking it off.”
    She nods and I grab the loose material at her waist and begin to lift the dress over her head. Once it’s completely off, I lower her back down onto the bed and she opens her eyes. I scroll over her body, running my hand down her arm and across her stomach, coming to rest on the curve of her hip. I let everything I’m seeing sink in because this is what I want to remember the most. I want to remember exactly what she looks like the second she hands over a piece of her heart.
    “Holy shit, Sky,” I whisper, running my hands across her skin. I bend down and kiss her softly on the stomach. “You’re incredible.”
    I watch my hand as it glides across her body. I watch as it slides up her stomach and meets her breast. I watch my thumb disappear beneath her bra. As soon as my entire hand has slipped beneath her bra, she’s locking her legs around my waist. I groan and wish at this point that I had more hands because they want to be everywhere, all at once. And I don’t want there to be any material in the way of their journey.
    I reach down and pull her underwear off, then remove her bra. I’m kissing her the whole time, even when I slide off the bed to remove the rest of my own clothes. I climb back onto the bed with her. Back on top of her.
    As soon as I’m pressed against her I’m hit with the revelation that I’ve never experienced or felt anything like her in my life. This is how it should be when people pass this first. This is exactly how it should feel and it’s incredible.
    I reach across the bed and pull a condom out of my nightstand. We haven’t stopped kissing for a single second, but I need to see her face. I need to see that she wants me to be inside her as much as I want to be inside her.
    I grab the condom and lift up onto my knees. I open it, but before I put it on I look down at her. Her eyes are closed tightly and her eyebrows are drawn together.
    “Sky?” I say. I want her to open her eyes. I just need one final look of reassurance from her, but she fails to open her eyes. I lower myself on top of her again, stroking her cheek. “Babe,” I whisper. “Open your eyes.”
    Her lips begin to tremble and she pulls her arms up, crossing them over her eyes. “Get off me,” she whispers.
    My heart sinks, not knowing what I did wrong. I’ve done everything I could to make this right but it’s obviously gone wrong somewhere and I have no idea where. I sit up on my knees and scoot away from her just as a violent sob breaks from her. She twists away from me and hugs her arms, covering herself. “ Please ,” she cries.
    “Sky, I stopped,” I say, stroking her arm. She pushes my hand away with her own and her whole body starts to shake. Her lips are moving and she’s speaking under her breath, but I can’t hear what she’s saying. I lean forward to try and hear what she’s trying to tell me.
    “Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty,