Love Means No Shame - Andrew Grey

loving me the way you have. You taught me that I am worthy of being loved, and for that I will be eternally grateful. Wherever I go and whatever I do, I will think of you often. I will always remember you on Kirk, flying across the pasture like you’re chasing the very wind itself, and the way you looked when we made love.
    179
Andrew Grey
    I will never forget you. No matter how long I live or wherever life takes me, you will always be there. I will never be able to ride a horse, see a field of wildflowers, or pass a pasture of grazing cattle without thinking of you and the love we shared.
    I will love you always,
Eli
Geoff dropped the paper and it fluttered to the floor when he saw that Eli had scrawled the words “Your Tiger” beneath his name.
    Without thinking, Geoff walked to his bedroom and shut the door, leaning against it. Slowly, his knees gave out, and he slid down the door until he was resting on the floor. Covering his face with his hands, his feelings caught up to him, and he sobbed uncontrollably, his shoulders heaving with grief.
    Eventually, tears wouldn’t come anymore. Slowly, Geoff got to his feet and stood at the foot of the bed. Suddenly, in a moment of clarity, he realized the answer to the question he’d asked himself the day he’d first moved into this bedroom. He stared at the bed—the bed he and Eli had shared, the same bed his dad and Len had shared—and he knew. He knew what his dad and Len had done on their last night together. He hoped they’d made love one last time, but he knew they’d held each other close, and he knew that when the time came, Len had let his father go, the same way Geoff had let Eli go. He knew they’d talked to one another, told each other how much they loved each other, how much they meant to each other. He knew, too, that in the morning, they’d said good-bye to one another and kissed each other one last time. He could practically see Len getting out of bed and leaving the room, leaving the pills on the nightstand, doing what had to be done regardless of his own pain.
    180
Love Means … NO SHAME
    At the time, he’d asked himself how you’d thank someone for twenty years of love. He knew the answer to that too. Even though he’d only had Eli for two months, he knew. The answer was so simple.
    You didn't have to.
“Geoff.” He heard Len’s voice calling from downstairs.
    Forcing his feet to move, he opened the door and made his way to the kitchen. “Would you tell Eli that breakfast is ready?” Geoff shook his head, “Eli’s gone.”
    “Gone… gone where?”
Geoff forced himself to say the words, hoping he wouldn’t break down again, “He went back to the community. He’s gone.”
    “God, Geoff, I’m so sorry.” Len was right there, hugging him close, and Geoff tried not to start crying again, but he just couldn’t help it. The tears came unbidden to his eyes, falling freely down his cheeks.
    “Thanks, Len.” He felt the arms slip away, and he sank into a chair, staring at the food in front of him. Slowly, he forced himself to eat something, but he wasn’t hungry in the least. Giving up, he pushed back the chair and walked through the house and back up the stairs, his feet taking him directly to Eli’s room.
    Moving slowly but deliberately, he took the clothes stacked neatly on the bed and placed them back in the dresser. Picking up the letter from the floor, he folded it and tucked it into the drawer along with the clothes. Changing his mind, he took it out again.

    Leaving the room, he closed the door behind him and went to his own room. Opening the small drawer, he took out the envelope that held the letter from his dad and placed Eli’s letter with it.
    Ordinary farm noises filtered in through the window, reminding him that life went on regardless of his broken heart.
181
Andrew Grey
Forcing himself to move, Geoff put the envelope back in the drawer and went downstairs and outside, walking to the barn to start the day’s chores.
    He got right to work, cleaning the few stalls that needed cleaning and keeping himself busy. It seemed to be working okay until he opened Kirk’s stall and saw the shiny black stallion.

    Images of Eli flooded his mind, eyes dancing, black hair shining in the morning sun. He closed the stall door and quietly headed back to the house. 182

    Love Means … NO SHAME
    GEOFF woke at his usual time and smiled to himself as he started to feel around the bed. Then he realized it was empty, and his smile