Lucy in the Sky

and cheerful as possible with both of them but, to be honest, I don’t really feel myself around anyone at the moment.
    This weekend, James and I are going home to Somerset. Every year, in early December, the people in the town switch off all the street lights and use only candles in their front windows. As it’s my turn to spend the festive season with James and his family in Kent this year, he promised he’d join me and mine for the ‘Dunster by Candlelight’ weekend.
    We arrive in Dunster on Friday afternoon, in the nick of time to see the candlelight procession begin. My stepbrothers and Meg are already there and the five of us rug up warm and make our way down the village lanes. There are hoards of people lining the main street; everyone is buzzing. A flame juggler wows the crowds as we head across the road to the tea shop. Mum is closing early for the day so she and Terry can join in with the proceedings, and they’re just lighting the candles in the front window.
    James insists on buying everyone hotdogs from the Tithe Barn restoration stall, and then we stand and watch as a man and a woman on stilts in Victorian costume totter down the street, hooking dozens of lit lanterns onto tall posts.
    The fire roars in the corner of the pub we end up in later. Tom turns to Meg and gives her a kiss on the lips and James does the same to me. ‘Eugh, would you lot cut it out?’ Nick grumbles, and we all laugh. He still doesn’t have a girlfriend. I wonder how many poor girls’ hearts he’s broken in the three months since he started university in Nottingham.
    The next day it is pouring with rain. It’s coming down so heavily that it looks like there’s a giant sprinkler system in theheavens, chugging out water in bursts that carry sideways in the wind. Normally on a grey day like today all the lights would be on in the house, but we’re sticking to the theme of the weekend and using just candles. It’s too wet even to venture out of the house to the pub so in the late afternoon we decide to play Trivial Pursuit instead.
    James is my partner and he’s excellent at these questions. How good would Nathan be, I wonder, remembering that he left school at sixteen? I smile proudly as James scores another piece of Trivial Pursuit ‘cheese’ for us.
    Tom and Meg form another team, while Mum, Terry and Nick make up a third. I look around at my family and am filled with love. Tom kisses Meg as she gets a question right. They’re so right together. So uncomplicated and content. Why can’t James and I be like that? Why on earth did I have to go and mess things up by falling for Nathan? I watch Mum and Terry as Terry pours another glass of brandy and chortles happily. They’ve been together for, how long has it been? Over ten years? But they look like newly-weds.
    Nick grabs the bottle from Terry and decants some into his own glass. My adorable stepbrother. He’s so handsome. But I do wonder if he ever gets lonely.
    And then I look at James, ‘my’ James, as he reads out another question to Mum’s team and nudges Nick away as he tries to sneak a peek at the answer. It’s good to have him here at home with me again. It feels safe. It’s been so long since he’s seen my stepbrothers but, apart from the odd roll of Nick’s eyes, they seem to be getting along well.
    James and I make love by candlelight later that night in my bedroom. And afterwards, lying in his arms as he falls asleep, Irealise I haven’t thought of Nathan too often this weekend. My heart aches as I realise it’ll be another week before I see him, and I’m immediately infuriated with myself. Why can’t I let this be? Why can’t I be more like my older stepbrother, with his wonderful, straightforward relationship? It’ll be easier when Nathan goes home to Australia, I tell myself, but another sharp pang shoots through me at the thought. Will I ever stop obsessing about him? Is this Sam all over again?
    My mind ticking over ten to the dozen, I eventually get out of bed and quietly search my bag for my purse before creeping down the corridor to the bathroom. Inside, I lock the door and take out Nathan’s silver Concorde charm.
    When we were at university, Karen was a firm believer in the idea of a pros and cons list to help her make up her mind about big decisions. I’m not about to go and find a piece of paper and a pen at this hour, but I silently make a list in my head.
    Nathan pros: obviously I’m attracted to him; he’s sexy and