Lucy in the Sky

sorry, baby, I’m sorry.’
    I pull away and look over at Nathan, standing awkwardly by the coffee table.
    James follows my gaze. ‘Thanks for looking after her, mate,’ he says.
    ‘No worries,’ Nathan answers, and motions towards the door. I nod at him. ‘Give me a call if you need anything, okay?’ he tells me.
    ‘I will.’
    After he’s gone I feel lost for a moment. Nathan was so sweet to me today, and James was just so awful to him. I’m utterly despondent. I try to focus on relaying to James what Mum told me.
    ‘Baby, you don’t have to,’ he says, when I tell him I’m going to the funeral. ‘You shouldn’t put yourself through this.’
    ‘I’m going, James. Will you come with me?’
    ‘Honey,’ his face falls, ‘I don’t know how I can. We’ve got this conference on Tuesday and Wednesday and it’s really important that I attend. Lucy, you don’t really want to go, do you?’
    ‘No, I don’t want to, James. But I’m going to.’
    ‘Will your Mum go?’
    ‘I don’t know. I’ll ask her.’ I turn away from him.
    My mum doesn’t want to and I don’t push her. She feels terrible but, after all these years, with the hurt he’s caused her, she justcan’t bring herself to go. She doesn’t want me to either, but she understands why I have to. I want to make up in some way for not attending my grandmother’s funeral. At the time I really didn’t want to see my dad. I’ll never have that concern again.
    ‘Will James go with you?’ she asks.
    ‘Yes,’ I lie.
     
    Nathan picks me up at seven o’clock on Tuesday morning.
    When we’ve wound our way north of London and finally reach the motorway amid rush-hour traffic, I take his tape out of my bag and put it in the player.
    ‘You’ve still got it?’ he asks me.
    ‘Of course I do.’
    It takes us a long three and a half hours to get to Manchester, thanks to the traffic. I fall asleep and Nathan keeps driving. The funeral isn’t until midday, so we find the cemetery then go to a greasy café nearby.
    ‘Thank you for coming with me,’ I say to him, once we’re seated. ‘I don’t know what I would have done…’
    ‘James would have come if you’d told him how much you wanted him to,’ he says.
    ‘Maybe.’
    Nathan doesn’t answer. The waitress comes over with our food.
    My father is being cremated because it’s cheaper than a burial. The vicar is surprised to see me; he didn’t know my father had any relatives. A few people are seated, including a couple of old codgers. I don’t know who they are and I don’t want to know. When the vicar asks me if I’d like to do a reading, I decline. The service is short, perfunctory, soulless.
    Afterwards a plain-clothes policewoman introduces herself tome. She has some of my dad’s belongings in her car and wants to know if I’d like them.
    ‘I thought my mum said to give everything to charity?’ I ask, unsettled.
    ‘We have,’ she tells me. ‘These are personal items. Only a small box.’
    Back in the car with the box on my lap, I’m filled with dread at the thought of what’s inside.
    ‘You don’t have to do this now,’ Nathan says.
    ‘I want to. Before we get out of here. Do you mind?’
    Rain is beating down heavily on the windscreen and the afternoon sky is dark and stormy. It’ll be completely dark in a couple of hours and we still have to drive back down to London. Nathan switches on the overhead light and I open the lid.
    There’s a weird smell. Musty, decaying…as if the scent of my dad’s dead body is clinging to his belongings. I have an overpowering urge to get out of the car and stand in the rain, or at the very least open a window and let the elements come in. But I restrain myself, acutely aware of how much Nathan has done for me already. I don’t want to freak him out completely, however claustrophobic I’m feeling.
    Inside the box there are twelve books, including the Bible, seven vinyl records by Irish artists I don’t recognise, a cheap-looking metal watch, a gold wedding ring, and a few envelopes.
    I spot my mum’s handwriting immediately.
    I open the door of the car and retch. The rain is pouring down as I continue to retch but nothing comes up.
    ‘Lucy!’ Nathan pulls me back and I close the door. ‘You don’t have to read these now!’
    But I can’t stop myself. That’s how I am. Last page of a book…Searching through sales racks…I remember Molly pointing all this out when I refused to delete James’s text back in her