Lucy in the Sky

this, though, Luce,’ he says sadly. ‘We have to say goodbye. Please. Will you call me?’
    I tell him I will, but I’m not sure either of us believes it.

Chapter 25
    I arrive back at our empty flat on Monday, not caring that I’ve missed another day of work. James has left a pile of post for me on my bedside table, and I recognise Molly’s handwriting on the top envelope. I open it up to find a card telling me how sorry she is about my dad and that she hopes I’m coping. She and Sam miss me more than ever. There are cards from Gemma and Chloe, Reena and Paul and Karen and Alan too. I feel loved, and it makes me happy and sad at the same time.
    James has moved the box of my dad’s things from by the sofa. I spend ten minutes frantically looking for it and eventually find it in a storage cupboard near the boiler in the kitchen. I leave it there. I’m angry with him for hiding it away but, at the same time, I accept it’s better that the box isn’t still by the sofa where I’d just stare at it morbidly.
    Nathan calls me on Tuesday morning when I’m back at work. I divert him to voicemail. My heart wanted me to pick up, but my head won that round. Things would surely have been a lot less painful if I’d listened to the latter a bit more over the past year.
    Mandy, Chloe and Gemma have been very sweet to me since I went back to work. Chloe and Gemma haven’t said much, but their sympathetic looks and tea-making capacity speak volumes. I’m relieved that it’s nearly Christmas and the office is winding down, although I still feel bad about how much time I’ve had to take off. Chloe tries to distract me by telling me about her date with William.
    ‘Oh, she won’t stop going on about him,’ Gemma interrupts.
    ‘Is that right?’ I smile.
    Chloe grins happily. ‘Yes. He is divine !’
    ‘Seriously? Did it go well?’
    ‘That date, and the next one, and the next one,’ Gemma chips in again.
    ‘Are you two a proper item, then?’ I enquire, and Chloe nods.
    ‘Yep, he is just lovely. In fact, he’s invited me to their Christmas work drinks on Friday night–you should come too! It would be such a laugh…’
    Our office closes that lunchtime for our Christmas break.
    ‘That’d be great.’
    ‘So, you see?’ she adds merrily. ‘James was wrong about him being shy.’
    I suddenly remember James’s private warning to me a couple of weeks ago. What did he say again?
    ‘Tell her to watch out … He’s a bit of a liar, that one.’
    But I can’t bring myself to destroy Chloe’s mood. Not just yet anyway. Not before Christmas.
    Nathan calls me on Wednesday morning but once more my head wins the battle. Then, that evening, I arrive home to find him leaning up against his Saab, smoking a cigarette. He spots me at the same time as I spot him, and I freeze momentarily. He dropshis cigarette butt onto the pavement and squashes it out as I approach.
    ‘I thought you quit?’ I ask him, unsmiling.
    ‘Relapse,’ he says.
    ‘Have you been here long?’
    ‘Half an hour, forty minutes…’
    ‘Come in, you must be freezing.’
    He locks his car and follows me up the stairs.
    Inside the flat I put the kettle on and offer him beer, wine or coffee before deciding on a glass of wine for myself. He opts for coffee because he’s driving.
    When I go back through to the living room he’s leaning forward on the sofa with his head in his hands. I sit at the other end, tucking my feet up and facing him. I sip my wine and wait, watching him. His messy hair falls sexily to just above his chin. When did he get a haircut, I wonder…
    Finally I can bear it no longer.
    ‘What are you doing here, Nathan?’
    He sighs and leans back. ‘I don’t know.’ He turns to look at me, his eyes filled with anguish. He holds his hand out to me for a second, then lets it fall on the sofa when I don’t take it.
    I do want to be close to him. I want to take his hand and snuggle up against his chest and let him hold me tight. I want to kiss him. I want to make love to him.
    I want him not to be going home in just over two weeks.
    ‘Your coffee’s getting cold,’ I say.
    ‘I don’t care.’
    ‘You would if I’d made you a tea.’
    He smiles for a fleeting moment and I can’t help but smile back.
    ‘Lucy, please, come here.’ He holds out his hand to me again. I edge closer to him on the sofa and let him take my hand. He looks at me sadly. ‘I don’t know what’s going on,’ he says. ‘I don’t know what to do.