Lucy in the Sky

the pavement with his shoe.
    ‘What’s wrong with her?’
    ‘She wants to know what’s going on. She wants to know how I feel.’
    ‘How do you feel?’
    He takes a long drag on his cigarette before answering. ‘I don’t think she’s the girl for me.’ He looks at me suddenly, intensely, then glances away.
    ‘You need to tell her that.’
    ‘I know.’
    Am I the girl for him? We’re so different. The more I get to know Nathan, the more I realise how little we have in common. Am I too old for him? I’ve been to university and he barely even finished high school. I have a career and I love it. I do love it, I think fiercely. I’ve got the best job in the world! What would I do if I moved here? Good jobs are much harder to come by.
    I don’t share with him the thoughts that are rushing through my head. I still don’t even really know what he thinks of me.
    ‘Are you looking forward to going back to England tomorrow?’ he asks finally.
    ‘Not really,’ I answer.
    ‘How do you feel about seeing your boyfriend again?’ He is staring at me steadily with those bluey-grey eyes.
    ‘Not good. I just don’t know.’ I look away because his gaze is too intense. Then I turn back to him, abruptly. ‘How can you afford not to work?’
    ‘Well, the house is half mine, you know.’
    For some reason I just assumed Molly and Sam owned the house outright now, but of course Nathan would have inherited half.
    ‘Did they buy you out of it?’ I ask.
    ‘No,’ he swiftly denies it. ‘I don’t need all that money and they couldn’t afford to do that. They pay me rent and give me a share of the B&B money. Who knows, one day we might sell the house, but not yet.’
    ‘Don’t you want to have a job, though?’ I press. The fact that he doesn’t work bothers me.
    ‘I don’t really know what I’d do.’
    ‘Isn’t anything better than nothing?’
    ‘You’ve got to be kidding, haven’t you?’
    ‘Well…I mean…Don’t you think your parents would have wanted you to do something? Have a career?’
    His eyes turn stony. I’ve pushed it too far.
    ‘I’m sorry, that was harsh.’
    But his response surprises me. ‘No, you’re right. They would be disappointed.’
    ‘I didn’t mean they’d be disappointed!’ I’m horrified.
    ‘No, they would,’ he says flatly. ‘They would be so proud of Sam, though. Going to university, getting his qualifications and then scoring this job. All I’ve done for the last few years is surf,bum around and live off the earnings from their family home. I don’t think they’d be proud.’ He inhales a last, long deep breath of his cigarette and then drops the butt down and squashes it into the pavement with his not-quite-shiny shoes.
    I immediately feel passionately overprotective. ‘They would be proud. You’re amazing. You’re a talented musician and an incredible surfer, and you’re the kindest, nicest guy I think I’ve ever met.’ I grab his hands. ‘It doesn’t matter if you haven’t quite found your feet yet–you will. There’s still lots of time.’
    Nathan looks at me for a moment. Then he frees one hand and places it on my face, his thumb rough as he brushes away a single tear that has slowly started to make its way down my cheek. I want to kiss him. I so want to kiss him. I tear my eyes away from his and look at his mouth. He cups my face with both of his hands, smudging away the tears that are falling freely. Just kiss me! I’ll cancel my flight, leave James for good, stay here with you!
    I will him to place those warm lips on mine. I look into his eyes and never want to look away. We’re so close I could just reach up and pull his face down to mine.
    But he doesn’t. And I don’t. And a few moments later I realise my tears have stopped falling and he has no reason to be holding my face, brushing them away. We smile at each other sadly as he strokes my cheeks with his thumbs one last time, before letting go, leaving me cold and damp and bereft without his touch.
    ‘There you are!’ Amy cries as she totters down the path in too-high heels towards us. I step back away from him. ‘They’re going to shut the gates soon, you have to come back.’
    I realise with surprise it’s almost closing time at the Botanic Gardens. Amy puts her hand out to Nathan. He doesn’t take it; just joins her and starts to walk away by her side. I follow onbehind them, thinking she looks like a nine-year-old in her mother’s heels, as we make our way back down