Lucy in the Sky

remote control back on the coffee table and kisses me on the lips. ‘But I wish I could stay. Shame I’ve got this bloody meeting or I’d go in late…’ he adds sexily, and kisses me again, slower this time.
    His lips feel wrong. I pull away.
    ‘What’s up?’
    ‘I haven’t cleaned my teeth yet.’
    ‘Ah, okay.’ He leans down and gives me a kiss on the cheek then draws me in for another hug. I force myself to relax becauseall I feel is tense. His body is warm and I breathe in his aftershave. He starts to feel a little more familiar.
    ‘Okay, gorgeous, better go,’ he says, pulling away. He gives me one last peck. ‘It’s great to have you back.’
    After he’s gone I go over to the window and peep through the venetian blinds down to the street. When he’s turned the corner and is out of sight, I go into the bedroom. Pulling back the duvet in its white Egyptian cotton cover, I study the sheet underneath. I can’t see anything suspicious. I lean down and smell it. Recently washed? Or does it always smell like this after two weeks? I examine the pillowcases for rogue strands of female hair, and then feel underneath the mattress for underwear or anything that a lover might’ve left. Nothing. Lucy, you’re being ridiculous.
    In the kitchen I put the kettle on and tip a little milk into the bottom of a white mug. Then I drop the teabag on top and pour in freshly boiled water, stirring my teaspoon until the milky water turns tea-coloured. I think of Nathan the whole time. From now on I will always make tea his way.
    After a minute I fish out the teabag and then blow on the liquid before taking a tentative sip. I’ve over-brewed it and it’s too strong. All of a sudden I feel depressed.
    I’ve spent so much time crying in the last thirty-six hours that I don’t know how I have any tears left, but my eyes still well up. Back in the bedroom, I climb into bed, pulling my carry-on bag with me. I get out the cassette player and lie there, listening to Nathan’s tape. I don’t want to be here. This feels wrong. So wrong. It should be raining outside. It should be cold, grey and miserable like it usually is when you come back from holiday, not bright and icy and sunny. And I should be on cloud nine at the prospect ofseeing my boyfriend-of-three-years tonight, but instead the thought fills me with dread.
    Here I am, alone in this flat, alone in this double bed, on the other side of the world, and I would give anything– anything –to have my sexy messy-haired surfer here with me.
    Not James.
    Eventually the sound slows to a drawl and I give up, knowing the batteries are well and truly kaput. I’ll have to buy some more later. I’m shattered. I set my alarm for three hours’ time, swap my clothes for comfy PJs and climb in between the sheets.
    The sound of the home phone ringing wakes me up. I’m so tired I feel like someone has filled my body with sand. I fumble around on the bedside table for a minute, trying to locate the phone.
    ‘Hello?’ I answer groggily.
    ‘Hello, baby.’ It’s James. ‘Were you sleeping?’
    ‘Mmm.’ I can barely speak, I’m so exhausted.
    ‘Wakey wakey. You won’t be able to sleep tonight if you sleep now.’
    ‘Mmm.’
    ‘Listen, I’m going to be a little late–I’ve got a meeting with my manager at five thirty. I couldn’t put him off. So I’ll probably be back around eight. Do you want me to pick up something on the way home? Or shall we order takeaway?’
    ‘Oh, I don’t know. I’ll get something.’ It’ll be good to get out of the house, even if it’s only around the corner.
    ‘Okay, honey, can’t wait to see you tonight. Don’t go back to sleep!’
    After he’s hung up my alarm goes off–my three hours’ sleep time is over.
    The flat is freezing. Turning the central heating on, I stumblethrough to the bathroom and run a bath, pouring bubble bath generously into the hot stream of water. I climb in slowly, letting my limbs take to the warmth until I’m immersed up to my neck. I pull the bubbles up and over my body so I’m completely covered. They glimmer prettily in the overhead lights. I lie there, looking around at our nice, clean bathroom and feel an unexpected wave of contentment. The entire room is white. In fact, the only colour in here comes from the dark green towels that are hanging over the white heated towel rails. I love it. The tidiness clears my head, even if I’m not naturally the neatest person. I remember James this