May We Be Forgiven

“Thirty minutes until closing,” she says. And at four-fifty, “Ten minutes.” At four-fifty-five, I put my pencil down. Wanda appears, and I show her the few pages of pencil notes I’ve scratched out on their legal pads.
    “Do you think you’ll be returning?” she asks.
    “I hope so, it’s a very exciting discovery, I barely made a dent.”
    “I’ll let Mrs. Eisenhower know you were pleased.”
    “Thank you. And thank you for your help as well. Have a good evening.”
    She smiles.
    I drive home loving Nixon all the more, marveling at his range, his subtlety, his facility with describing human behavior. I stop to pick up Chinese food, go home, set myself up at the dining-room table, and tell Tessie everything. I’m talking to the dog, spooning hot-and-sour soup into my mouth, and simultaneously writing as fast and furiously as I can. I’m transcribing everything I can remember, marveling at the nuance of Nixon’s thinking, the depth of character, the humor, so dark, so wry, revealing a much greater self-awareness than most would imagine Nixon capable of. I’m thinking about how these stories will redefine Nixon, alter the shape of scholarship—my book in particular. I write nonstop for an hour and a half, then remember the confidentiality agreement and tell myself that whatever I write now is just for me, a first draft, initial impressions. As I go deeper, I find myself wanting to describe the characters, the text in detail. I feel silenced, screwed, used, baited, and start plotting a way around it. If the family denies that the materials exist, if they’ve not been catalogued, it’s going to be hard to prove, hard to get anywhere. I am hoping the Nixons are reasonable people. I am hoping that they are willing to let him be known as he was, in his glory and his complexity. I am wondering what the next step is; do I have Julie’s phone number? I go back through caller ID. Be patient, I tell myself, let events take their natural course. The phone rings. “Good evening, is this Mr. Silver?”
    “Perhaps. Who may I ask is calling?”
    “Geoffrey Ordy Jr., from Wurlitzer, Pulitzer and Ordy.”
    “Which Mr. Silver are you calling for?”
    “How do you mean?”
    “George or Harold?”
    “Given where things stand, I’m assuming George is unavailable at the moment,” the guy says, annoyed.
    “Correct.”
    “I’m sorry to phone so late.”
    “Not a problem. I was out all day,” I say.
    “I’ll cut to the chase. There’s a hearing tomorrow at eleven a.m. in White Plains in regard to your brother’s car accident—we forgot to tell you. They’re bringing George down for it, first public appearance. The press will be all over it.”
    “Tomorrow?”
    “Like I said, someone who should have known better forgot to tell you.”
    “I have a lunch tomorrow, a lunch of great importance with someone I can’t afford to disappoint.”
    “I’m just relaying the information.”
    “It sounds both important and something that in the greater scheme of things could be skipped—it’s a first appearance, no doubt there will be others.”
    “Correct.”
    “Eleven a.m. in White Plains.”
    “That’s the news.”
    “George will be there.”
    “Confirmed at the County Court House.”
    “I’ll work around it. Next time a little advance warning would be appreciated.”
    “Noted, and good night.”

    T hat night I dream of Richard Nixon lying on the floor in a charcoal-gray suit and white shirt, his head on a tufted sofa pillow, his torso writhing from side to side as though he’s trying to work out a kink. Pat is there, walking back and forth across the room, repeatedly stepping over him in a tight red dress. In the dream Nixon is trying to peek under her dress. “Stockings, no panties?” he asks, surprised. “Is that comfortable?”
    “Yes,” she says.

    T he phone is ringing.
    “Listen, you son of a bitch …” a disembodied voice is yelling at me.
    I’m terrified, thinking it’s him—Richard Nixon calling me.
    “You have one hell of a nerve,” he says, continuing to shout as I come to consciousness. I realize it’s not Nixon, it’s Jane’s father. “I think about you and your lousy brother and I’m disgusted.”
    She seduced me, I think to myself, but say nothing.
    “I want you should never forget what you’ve done.”
    “I think about it constantly,” I say, knowing that’s of little comfort.
    “We hear things are coming to a head, the ball’s rolling, there’s a