Maybe the Moon

listening, Leonard. Keep talking.”
    “Well…the UFL is giving Philip their Lifetime Achievement Award, so they’re having a big blowout at the Beverly Hilton. It’s like the night of nights. HBO is televising it, ET ’s gonna cover it. I haven’t seen a roster like this in years. Bette’s gonna sing, Patrick Swayze’s gonna dance. Barbra might even sing, for Christ’s sake….”
    What can I tell you? I tried to stay cool, but my face had already gone up like a baked Alaska, flaming in early celebration. “And they want me ?”
    “Who else?”
    “To perform?”
    “No, to bus tables. Of course to perform.”
    I laughed extravagantly, because Leonard suddenly struck me as the wittiest man in the world. “You’re really serious?”
    “I’m really serious.”
    “Jesus.”
    “No need to thank me,” he said. “Your ecstasy is my reward.”
    I hooted. “My ten percent is your reward.”
    “Well, that too.”
    “It does pay, doesn’t it?”
    “Does it pay? the woman asks. Does it pay?”
    Suddenly the pieces fell into place. I flashed on Philip at the Icon commissary, that strange new respect in his eyes, telling me how exquisitely I sang, how he’d recognized my talent even in the old days. Then I remembered Leonard’s inquiry about my weightwhen he’d first teased me with that “something kind of big.” Then, with no effort at all, I saw myself onstage at the Beverly Hilton before an all-star black-tie audience, singing “If,” or maybe something entirely new, while Meryl and Madonna listened from the wings in rapt amazement and jaded producers scrambled for the phone.
    “So,” said Leonard, “they’re giving the suit a thorough over-haul.”
    “Come again?”
    “Mr. Woods. They’re disinfecting him. Spraying him with poly-whatsit.” He laughed gleefully. “He’s been on the shelf for ages, but he’ll be nice and fresh for you.”
    In a matter of seconds I was sick with despair, suffocating on the truth. Words just wouldn’t come.
    “Cady?”
    “Is that all this was about? Somebody to wear that fucking suit?”
    “Not just somebody.”
    “Well, you can find yourself another dwarf.”
    “Doll, doll. You act like it’s nothing. This is historic. It’s a moment for the ages. Nobody’s even seen Mr. Woods since the movie was made.”
    “Horseshit. I saw hundreds of them on that goddamn ride.”
    “What ride?”
    “At Icon.”
    “Those are robots.”
    “Then hire yourself a robot. I’m an actress.”
    “They need an actress, Cady. That’s why they’re asking you. You are Mr. Woods.”
    “Yeah, yeah.”
    “You know what he requires, Cady. How to give him life and personality. You’re the only one who does.”
    “What about Philip’s sacred rule?”
    “What rule?”
    “About the elf never showing up in public.”
    Leonard heaved a condescending sigh. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. This’ll be the first time. Nobody’ll be expecting it, so they’ll go nuts when it happens. It’ll bring down the house. You’ll be the one who gives him the award.”
    “Mr. Woods, you mean, not me.”
    “But don’t you see? It’ll make every front page in the world.”
    As angry and disappointed as I was, this pronouncement stopped me short for a moment, causing me to consider another possibility, one that just might work. “OK, what about this?”
    “Yeah?” Leonard sounded wary.
    “What if I did that, the whole elf thing, and then came out later as myself and…sang, maybe?”
    No reply.
    “That would really surprise them. Talk about the crowd going crazy.”
    “I really don’t think—” He cut himself off abruptly.
    “What?”
    “Don’t take this wrong, Cady, because it’s not about you.”
    Of course not, I thought, it never is.
    “I just don’t think that’s the way Philip sees the evening.”
    “Oh.” All sorts of stuff had begun to register. “So Philip is actually organizing this?”
    “Well, he’s a consultant. He has to be. They want to get it right.”
    “Of course.”
    “He really wants you to be there, Cady. He told me so himself.”
    “Is that why he kissed my ass at Icon last week?”
    Leonard feigned ignorance. “You lost me there, doll.”
    “I don’t think so. You set this up through Callum, didn’t you? You knew Philip and I weren’t speaking, so you arranged for us to meet and make up. Just so I’d put on that fucking body condom one more time and give a trophy to the prick who—”
    “Cady,