Men at Arms

and blocking up the windows. It was still daylight. There weren’t any trolls visible.
    “Ugh,” said Detritus.
    “Come on, big man,” said Cuddy, pushing Detritus along like a tug pushes a tanker.
    “Lance-Constable Cuddy?”
    “Yes.”
    “You a dwarf. This is Quarry Lane. You found here, you in deep trouble.”
    “We’re city guards.”
    “Chrysoprase, he not give a coprolith about that stuff.”
    Cuddy looked around.
    “What do you people use for doctors, anyway?”
    A troll face appeared in a doorway. And another. And another.
    What Cuddy had thought was a pile of rubble turned out to be a troll.
    There were, suddenly, trolls everywhere.
    I’m a guard, thought Cuddy. That’s what Sergeant Colon said. Stop being a dwarf and start being a Watchman. That’s what I am. Not a dwarf. A Watchman. They gave me a badge, shaped like a shield. City Watch, that’s me. I carry a badge.
    I wish it was a lot bigger.

    Vimes was sitting quietly at a table in the corner of The Bucket. There were some pieces of paper and a handful of metal objects in front of him, but he was staring at his fist. It was lying on the table, clenched so tight the knuckles were white.
    “Captain Vimes?” said Carrot, waving a hand in front of his eyes. There was no response.
    “How much has he had?”
    “Two nips of whiskey, that’s all.”
    “That shouldn’t do this to him, even on an empty stomach,” said Carrot.
    Angua pointed at the neck of a bottle protruding from Vimes’ pocket.
    “I don’t think he’s been drinking on an empty stomach,” she said. “I think he put some alcohol in it first.”
    “Captain Vimes?” said Carrot again.
    “What’s he holding in his hand?” said Angua.
    “I don’t know. This is bad, I’ve never seen him like this before. Come on. You take the stuff. I’ll take the captain.”
    “He hasn’t paid for his drink,” said Mr. Cheese.
    Angua and Carrot looked at him.
    “On the house?” said Mr. Cheese.

    There was a wall of trolls around Cuddy. It was as good a choice of word as any. Right now their attitude was more of surprise than menace, such as dogs might show if a cat had just sauntered into the kennels. But when they’d finally got used to the idea that he really existed, it was probably only a matter of time before this state of affairs no longer obtained.
    Finally, one of them said, “What dis, then?”
    “He a man of the Watch, same as me,” said Detritus.
    “Him a dwarf.”
    “He a Watchman.”
    “Him got bloody cheek, I know that.” A stubby troll finger prodded Cuddy in the back. The trolls crowded in.
    “I count to ten,” said Detritus. “Then any troll not going about that troll’s business, he a sorry troll.”
    “You Detritus,” said a particularly wide troll. “Everyone know you stupid troll, you join Watch because stupid troll, you can’t count to—”
    Wham .
    “One,” said Detritus. “Two…Tree. Four-er…Five. Six…”
    The recumbent troll looked up in amazement.
    “That Detritus, him counting .”
    There was a whirring noise and an axe bounced off the wall near Detritus’ head.
    There were dwarfs coming up the street, with a purposeful and deadly air. The trolls scattered.
    Cuddy ran forward.
    “What are you lot doing?” he said. “Are you mad, or something?”
    A dwarf pointed a trembling finger at Detritus.
    “What’s that ?”
    “He’s a Watchman.”
    “Looks like a troll to me. Get it!”
    Cuddy took a step backward and produced his axe.
    “I know you, Stronginthearm,” he said. “What’s this all about?”
    “You know, Watchman ,” said Stronginthearm. “The Watch say a troll killed Bjorn Hammerhock. They’ve found the troll!”
    “No, that’s not—”
    There was a sound behind Cuddy. The trolls were back, armed for dwarf. Detritus turned around and waved a finger at them.
    “Any troll move,” he said, “and I start counting.”
    “Hammerhock was killed by a man,” said Cuddy. “Captain Vimes thinks—”
    “The Watch have got the troll,” said a dwarf. “Damn rocks!”
    “Gritsuckers!”
    “Monoliths!”
    “Eaters of rats!”
    “Hah, I been a man only hardly any time,” said Detritus, “and already I fed up with you stupid trolls. What you think humans say, eh? Oh, them ethnic, them don’t know how to behave in big city, go around waving clubs at the drop of a thing you wear on head.”
    “We’re Watchmen,” said Cuddy. “Our job is to keep the peace.”
    “Good,” said Stronginthearm.