Monstrous Regiment

said Igorina. “Thewing hith arm back on.”
    “He’s a enemy, ain’t he?”
    “Code of the Igorth, thur,” said Igorina reproachfully. “A thpare hand where needed , thur.”
    The major sniffed. “Oh well, can’t argue with you fellows, eh? But when you’re finished, we’ve got plenty of chaps out there who could do with your help.”
    “Certainly, thur,” said Igorina.
    “Any news of my brother, sir?” said Polly. “Paul Perks?”
    “Yes, Blouse here mentioned him, Perks, but there’s men locked up everywhere and it’s a little tricky right now, eh?” said the major brusquely. “As for the rest of you, we’ll get you into a pair of trousers as soon as possible and you can join in the fun, eh?”
    “The fun,” said Tonker in a hollow voice.
    “The fun being…?” said Polly.
    “We’ve got as far as the fourth floor already,” said von Moldvitz. “We might not have the whole Keep back, but we hold the outer courtyards and some of the towers. By morning, we’ll control who comes in and goes out. We’re back in the war! They won’t invade now! Most of their top brass are in the Inner Keep!”
    “Back in the war,” murmured Polly.
    “And we will win!” said the major.
    “Oh, sugar ,” said Shufti.
    Something was going to give, Polly knew. Tonker had that look she got before she exploded, and even Shufti was fidgeting. It would only be a matter of time before Lofty found her box of matches, which Polly had hidden in a cupboard.
    Igorina packed up her bag and smiled brightly at the major.
    “Ready to go, thur,” she said.
    “At least remove the wig, eh?”
    “It’th my own hair, thur,” said Igorina.
    “Looks a bit…sissy, then,” said the major. “It would be better if—”
    “I am, in fact, female, sir,” said Igorina, dropping most of the lisp. “Trust me, I’m an Igor. We know about this sort of thing. And my needlework ith second to none.”
    “A woman? ” said the major.
    Polly sighed. “We all are, sir. Really women. Not just dressed up as women. And right now I don’t want to put any trousers on because then I’d be a woman dressed up as a man dressed up as a woman dressed up as a man, and then I’d be so confused I won’t know how to swear. And I want to swear right now, sir, very much.”
    The major turned stiffly to Blouse.
    “Did you know about this, Lieutenant?” he barked.
    “Well…yes, sir. Eventually. But even so, sir, I would—”

    This cell was an old guard room. It was damp, and had two creaking bunks.
    “On the whole,” said Tonker, “I think it was better when we were locked up by the enemy.”
    “There’s a grill in the ceiling,” said Shufti.
    “Not big enough to climb through,” said Polly.
    “No, but we can hang ourselves before they do.”
    “I’m told it’s a very painful way to die,” said Polly.
    “Who by?” said Tonker.
    Occasionally the sounds of battle filtered through the narrow window. Mostly it was yells; often it was screams. Fun was being had.
    Igorina sat staring at her hands.
    “What wrong with these?” she said. “Didn’t I do a good job on that arm? But no , they’re afraid I might touch their privates.”
    “Perhaps you could have promised to operate only on officers,” said Tonker. No one laughed, and probably no one would have bothered to run for it if the door had swung open. It was a proud and noble thing to escape from the enemy, but if you were escaping from your own side, where would you escape to?
    On one of the bunks, Wazzer slept like a hibernating bear. You had to watch her for some time to see her breathe.
    “What can they do to us?” said Shufti nervously. “You know… really do to us?”
    “We were wearing men’s clothes,” said Polly.
    “But that’s only a beating.”
    “Oh, they’ll find some other stuff, believe you me,” said Tonker. “Besides, who knows we’re here?”
    “But we got them out of prison! Our side!”
    Polly sighed. “That’s why, Shufti. No one wants to know that a bunch of girls dressed up as soldiers and broke into a big fort and let out half an army. Everyone knows females can’t do that. Neither side wants us here, understand?”
    “On a battlefield like this, who’ll worry about a few more bodies?” said Tonker.
    “Don’t say that! Lieutenant Blouse spoke up for us!” said Shufti.
    “What, Daphne? ” said Tonker. “Hah! Just another body. They’ve probably locked him up somewhere, just like us.”
    There was a distant cheering,