Monstrous Regiment

me.”
    “All right, Sarge. You murdered that man last night.”
    “Really? Prove it,” said Jackrum calmly.
    “Well, I can’t, can I? But you set it up. You even sent Igor and Wazzer to guard him. They’re not good with weapons.”
    “How good would they have to be, d’you think? Four of you against a man tied up?” said Jackrum. “Nah. That sergeant was dead the moment we got ’im, and he knew it. It took a bloody genius like your rupert to make him think he’s got a chance. We’re out in the woods, lad. What was Blouse gonna do with him? Who’d we hand him over to? Would the lieutenant cart him around with us? Or tie him to a tree and leave him to kick wolves away until he gets too tired? Much more gentlemanly than giving him a quiet cigarette and a swift chop where you go quick, which is what he was expecting and what I’d have given him.”
    Jackrum popped the tobacco into his mouth. “You know what most of the milit’ry training is, Perks?” he went on. “All that yelling from little spitbubs like Strappi? It’s to turn you into a man who will, on the word of command, stick his blade into some poor sod just like him who happens to be wearing the wrong uniform. He’s like you, you’re like him. He doesn’t really want to kill you, you don’t really want to kill him. But if you don’t kill him first, he’ll kill you. That’s the start and finish of it. It don’t come easy without trainin’. Ruperts don’t get that trainin’, ’cos they are gentlemen. Well, upon my oath, I am no gentleman, and I’ll kill when I have to, and I said I’d keep you safe and no damn rupert’s going to stop me. He gave me my discharge papers!” Jackrum added, radiating indignance. “ Me! And expected me to thank him! Every other rupert I’ve served under has had the sense to write ‘Not posted here’ or ‘On extended patrol’ or something and shove it back in the mail, but not him. ”
    “What was it you said to Corporal Strappi that made him run away?” said Polly before she could stop herself.
    Jackrum looked at her for a while, with no expression in his eyes. Then he gave a strange little chuckle.
    “Now why would a little lad like you say a little thing like that?” he said.
    “Because he just vanished and suddenly some old rule means you’re back on the strength, Sarge,” said Polly. “That’s why I said that little thing.”
    “Hah! And there’s no such rule, either, not like that one,” said Jackrum, splashing his feet. “But ruperts never read the book of rules unless they’re trying to find a reason to hang you, so I was safe there. Strappi was scared shitless, you know that.”
    “Yes, but he could have slipped away later on,” said Polly. “He wasn’t stupid . Rushing off into the night? He must’ve had something real close to run from, right?”
    “Cor, that’s an evil brain you have there, Perks,” said Jackrum happily. Once again Polly had the definite feeling that Jackrum was enjoying this, just as he’d seemed pleased when she’d argued about the uniform. He wasn’t a bully like Strappi—he treated Igorina and Wazzer with something approaching fatherly concern—but with Polly and Maladict and Tonker he pushed all the time, wanting you to push back.
    “It does the job, Sarge,” she said.
    “I just had a little tate-ah-tate with him, as it were. Quiet, like. Explained all the nasty things that can happen vees-ah-vee the confusion o’ war.”
    “Like being found with his throat cut?” said Polly.
    “Has been known to happen,” said Jackrum innocently. “You know, lad, you’re going to make a damn good sergeant one day. Any fool can use his eyes and ears, but you uses that brain to connect ’em up.”
    “I’m not going to be a sergeant! I’m going to get the job done and go home!” said Polly vehemently.
    “Yes, I said that once, too,” grinned Jackrum. “Perks, I don’t need no clacky thing. I don’t need newsy paper. Sergeant Jackrum knows what’s going on. He talks to them men coming back, the ones that won’t talk to anyone else. I know more than the rupert, for all that he gets little letters from HQ that worry him so much. Everyone talks to Sergeant Jackrum. And in his big fat head, Sergeant Jackrum puts it all together. Sergeant Jackrum knows what’s going on.”
    “And what’s that, Sarge?” said Polly innocently.
    Jackrum didn’t reply immediately. Instead, he reached down with a grunt and rubbed one of his feet. The