Monstrous Regiment

corroded shilling on a string, which had lain innocently on the woolen undershirt, swung forward. But there was something else. For a moment, something golden slipped out of the undershirt’s open neck. Something oval and golden, on a golden chain, flashed in the sunlight. Then he straightened up and it was dragged back out of sight.
    “This is a bloody odd war, lad,” he said. “It’s true there’s not just Zlobenian soldiers out there. Lads say there is uniforms they’d never seen before. We’ve kicked a lot of backsides over the years, so maybe they really have ganged up and it’s gonna be our turn. But what I reckon is, they’re stuck. They took the Keep. Oh, yes, I know. But they’ve got to hold on to it. And winter’s coming home and all those lads from Ankh-Morpork and everywhere are a long way from home. We might have a chance yet. Hah, especially now the prince is dead set on finding the young soldier that kneed him in the wedding tackle. That means he’s angry. He’ll make mistakes.”
    “Well, Sarge, I think—”
    “I’m glad you do, Private Perks,” said Jackrum, suddenly becoming a sergeant again. “And I think that after you’ve seen to the rupert and had a nap, you and me is going to show the lads some swordsmanship. Whatever bleedin’ war this is, sooner or later young Wazzer is going to have to use that blade he waggles about. Get going!”
    Polly found Lieutenant Blouse sitting with his back to the cliff, eating scubbo out of a bowl. Igorina was packing away her medical kit, and Blouse’s ear was bandaged.
    “Everything all right, sir?” she said. “Sorry I wasn’t—”
    “I quite understand, Perks, you must stand your turn like the other ‘lads,’” said Blouse, and Polly heard the quotes clank into place. “I had a refreshing nap, and the bleeding and, indeed, the shaking has quite stopped. However…I do still need a shave.”
    “You want me to shave you,” said Polly, her heart sinking.
    “I must set an example, Perks, but I have to say, you ‘lads’ make such an effort it puts me to shame. You all seem to have faces ‘as smooth as a baby’s bottom,’ I must say!”
    “Yes, sir.” Polly pulled out the shaving gear and walked over to the fire, where the kettle was permanently boiling. Most of the squad was dozing, but Maladict was sitting cross-legged by the fire, doing something to his hat.
    “Heard about the prisoner last night,” he said, without looking up. “I don’t think the El-Tee is going to last very long, what do you think?”
    “The who?”
    “The lieutenant. From what I hear, Blouse’s probably going to have a nasty accident. Jackrum thinks he’s dangerous.”
    “He’s learning, just like us.”
    “Yes, but the El-Tee’s supposed to know what to do. Do you think he does?”
    “Jackrum’s stuck, too,” said Polly, topping up the kettle with cold water. “I think we just keep going.”
    “If there’s anything there to get to,” said Maladict. He held up the shako. “What do you think?”
    The words BORN TO DIE had been chalked on the side of the hat, next to the packet of cigarettes.
    “Very…individual,” said Polly. “Why do you smoke? It’s not very…vampire, really.”
    “Well, I’m not supposed to be very vampire,” said Maladict, lighting up with a shaking hand. “It’s the sucking. I need it. I’m on edge. I’m getting the no-coffee jitters. I’m not good with woods in any case.”
    “But you’re a vam—”
    “Yeah, yeah, if this was crypts, no problem, But I keep thinking I’m surrounded by lots of pointy stakes. Truth is…I’m beginning to hurt. It’s like going cold bat all over again! I’m getting the voices and the sweats…”
    “Shssh,” said Polly, as Shufti grunted in her sleep. “You can’t be,” she hissed. “You said you’d been going straight for two years!”
    “Oh, bl…blur…blood?” said Maladict. “Who said anything about blood? I’m talking about coffee, dammit!”
    “We’ve got plenty of tea—” Polly began.
    “You don’t understand! This is about…craving. You never stop craving, you just switch it to something that doesn’t cause people to turn you into a short kebab! I need coffee!”
    Why me? Polly thought. Do I have this little sign on me saying “tell me your troubles”?
    “I’ll see what I can do,” she said and hastily filled the shaving mug.
    Polly hurried back with the water, ushered Blouse to a rock, and stirred up some foam. She sharpened