Monstrous Regiment

the razor, taking as long as she dared. When he coughed impatiently, she took up position, raised the razor, and prayed…
    …but not to Nuggan. Never to Nuggan, since her mother died…
    And then Lofty was running across the ground, trying to shout a whisper.
    “Movement!”
    Blouse nearly lost another earlobe.
    Out from nowhere came Jackrum, boots on but suspenders dangling. He grabbed Lofty by the shoulder and swung her around.
    “Where?” he demanded.
    “There’s a track down there! Troopers! Carts! What do we do, Sarge!”
    “We keep the noise down!” muttered Jackrum. “Are they heading up here?”
    “No, they went right past, Sarge!”
    Jackrum turned and gave the rest of the squad a satisfied look.
    “O-kay. Corporal, take Carborundum and Perks and go and take a look. The rest of you, tool up and try to be brave. Eh, Lieutenant?”
    Blouse bemusedly dabbed foam off his face.
    “What? Oh. Yes. See to it, Sergeant.”
    Twenty seconds later, Polly was running after Maladict, down the slope. Here and there the bottom of a valley could be seen through the trees, and as she glanced down, she saw sunlight flash off something metal. At least the trees had coated the woodland floor with a thick layer of needles, and, contrary to popular opinion, most woods aren’t littered with branches that snap loudly.
    They reached the edge of the woods, where bushes fought one another for their place in the sun, and found a spot with a view.
    There were only four troopers, in an unfamiliar uniform, riding in pairs ahead and behind a cart. It was small, and had a canvas cover.
    “What’s in a little cart that four men have to protect?” said Maladict. “It must be valuable!”
    Polly pointed to the huge flag that hung limply from a pole on the wagon.
    “I think it’s the newspaper man,” she said. “It’s the same cart. Same flag, too.”
    “Then it’s a good thing they’ve gone right past,” hissed Maladict. “Let’s just see them out of sight and creep away like good little mice, okay?”
    The party was traveling at the speed of the cart and, at this point, the two riders in the lead stopped and turned in their saddles, waiting for it to catch up. Then one of them pointed back, past the hidden watchers. There was a shout, too far away to be understood. The troopers in the rear trotted up to the cart, met with their comrades, and all four turned to look up. There was some discussion, and two riders trotted back along the road.
    “Oh, darn,” said Polly. “What have they spotted?”
    The horsemen went past their hiding place. A few moments latter, they heard the horses enter the woods.
    “Do we run an’ get ’em?” said Jade.
    “Let Jackrum do that,” said Maladict.
    “But if he does, and the men don’t come back—” Polly began.
    “ When they don’t come back,” Maladict corrected her.
    “—then those other two will get suspicious, won’t they? One will probably stay here, the other will go to get help.”
    “Then we’ll sneak up and wait,” said Maladict. “Look, they’ve dismounted. The cart’s pulled in, too. If they look as though they’re worried, we’ll move in.”
    “And do what, exactly?” said Polly.
    “Threaten to shoot them,” said Maladict firmly.
    “And if they don’t believe us?”
    “Then we’ll threaten to shoot them in a much louder voice, ” said Maladict. “Happy? And I hope to hell they’ve got some coffee!”

    There are three things a soldier wants to do when there’s a respite on the road. One involves lighting a cigarette, one involves lighting a fire, and the other one involves no flames at all but does, generally, require a tree. *
    The two troopers had a fire going and a billycan steaming, when a young man jumped down from the cart, stretched his arms, looked around, yawned, and sauntered a little way into the forest.
    He found a convenient tree and, a moment later, was apparently examining the bark at eye height with studied enthusiasm.
    The tip of a steel crossbow bolt pressed against the back of his neck, and a voice said: “Raise you hands and turn around slowly!”
    “What, right now? ”
    “Um…all right, no. You can finish what you’re doing.”
    “Actually I think that’s going to be quite impossible. Let me just, er…right. Okay.” The man raised his hands again. “You realize I just have to shout?”
    “So?” said Polly. “I just have to pull this trigger. Shall we have a race?”
    The man turned around.
    “See?”