My Point...And I Do Have One

because they’re so abundant.
    I was buying some spaghetti sauce and I saw something really frightening on the can: a sticker with a smiling monkey with a slash through it. I thought, “My God, what was in this stuff before?” Has animal testing become so advanced that it’s now animal taste-testing?
    I rest my case.

    I have always loved animals. When I was about eleven years old, I wanted to be a veterinarian. We had a little laundry room downstairs and I made that my office. I’d sit there, take an encyclopedia, and copy from it entries about different types of cats. I’d have a separate file for each breed. So, if somebody came to my house and said, “You know, there’s no difference between a Siamese and a Burmese cat,” I’d reply, “Oh yeah? Come to my office and I’ll show you how wrong you are, Mr. Smartypants.” Unfortunately nobody ever came to my house and said that. But, if they had, I’d have been ready.
    I think I realized, even at an early age, that the real beauty of pets is that they love you unconditionally. AH they would like in return is a bit of attention and some food. And, the food doesn’t even have to be that good. It could just come out of a can.
    I try to save dogs and take them to shelters so that their owners can find them. It’s because I have dogs, and I know I’d be devastated if either … damn, what are their names? Oh yeah … if either Bootsie or Lippy … no, not Lippy … Muffin. If either Bootsie or Muffin got lost … Bootsie is a beautiful Labrador retriever and Muffin is … I’m not exactly sure what Muffin is. When I got her at the shelter, they told me that she was part cocker spaniel and part terrier, but I don’t think they knew. They were just making conversation. I think she’s part … rodent. She’s got hair like a possum and a snout like an anteater. But, don’t get the wrong impression; she’s very pretty. She’s got offbeat good looks.
    I’ll see stray dogs wandering in front of houses and they look so sad. I just feel compelled to do something to rescue them. Sometimes it’s hard because they’re tied on a leash on someone’s front lawn, so you’ve got to untie it.Or worse, they’re behind a fence, so you need wire cutters (which I always have in my car) to get them out. “C’mon, girl. I’ll rescue you and find your owners.”
    Just last week I was driving when I saw this skinny looking stray dog out on the street. So I stopped, got out, and tried to coax the dog into my car so that I could take it to a rescue shelter. All these people on the street were staring at me like I was crazy. Well, I’m kind of used to that, so I continued, “Here boy, here Scrappy.” When I don’t know an animal’s name, I always assume that it’s Scrappy—even though I’ve never been right.
    Then I saw why people were staring at me. It wasn’t a dog, it was a coyote (who oddly enough was called Scrappy). I can only imagine what a disaster it would have been if I had gotten the coyote in my car. I was a little bit embarrassed, but I make mistakes like that often. I remember once, I met a guy while I was camping and we got along great. We were married two years before I realized he was a grizzly bear.
    I dorrt know why I just thought of this, but, when I was a kid—younger than I am today—I had a gerbil. It was such a fun pet to have because it stayed in its little aquarium with wood shavings and a wheel and seemed to be quite content. I could go to school, go out to play as often as I wanted, and not feel guilty. I could take it out and play with it and it seemed to enjoy its little outside-the-aquarium excursions. It’s a good starter pet for a kid, because it doesn’t require a great deal of responsibility. You don’t have to take it out on walks; that exercise wheel was a great invention. No other pet gets a little built-in gym. I wonder if they make little Stairmasters for them as well. Gerbils are the most fit of all rodents, I’d have to say.
    You sometimes hear that pets eventually begin to look like their owners. I don’t think that’s true. We have much more of a say in how we look than a pet does. It’s pretty sad if we get fashion tips from our dogs and cats. “What’sthat you’ve done to your hair? I love it. Oh … shedding. I’ll try it.”
    I do dote on my dogs. I care about my dogs so much that I give them some rights that I don’t necessarily advocate for all animals. For instance, Bootsie and