Never a Hero

friends again. That’s all.”
    I nodded, unable to speak. Unable to hold my tears at bay. I closed the door, put my head against the wood, and cried.
    Partly, I cried for myself.
    Mostly, I cried for Nick.

    I spent the next couple of weeks avoiding him as much as I could. I still went to his house for piano lessons, but he seemed to sense my mood, and he gave me a wide berth. I used the key he’d given me to practice while he was at work, although I felt guilty for doing it.
    After the second week, as I followed June out the door after our lesson, she turned to face me on the stairs. “What happened between you and Nick?”
    I shrugged, trying to act casual. “Nothing. Why?”
    She chewed her lip, watching me with obvious skepticism, weighing her words, trying to decide how much to say. “Did he tell you about being sick?” she finally asked.
    I ducked my head. It was getting dark outside, and the light wasn’t good on the stairway, but I couldn’t hide my discomfort.
    “And then what?” She practically spat the words at me. “You suddenly decided you couldn’t be friends with him because he has HIV? You think you’re too good for him now?”
    “No, but I think he should have told me sooner.”
    “You have any idea what his privacy means to him? Have you even considered what it’s like for him, being ‘that guy with AIDS’?”
    “Maybe a bit like being ‘that guy with one arm.’”
    “Yeah, except nobody treats you like you’re contagious.”
    I hung my head again, even more ashamed than before. June sighed, and the anger seemed to drain out of her. “He misses you. I don’t know if he’ll tell you on his own, so I’m telling you instead. He’s miserable. I don’t think I’ve seen him so depressed since he was diagnosed.”
    I was miserable, too. I couldn’t help wondering if it would be better to be miserable together.

    I lay in bed that night, thinking about Nick.
    Learning about his disease had been heartbreaking, suddenly realizing that heroes could fall too, but I began to realize how selfish my reaction had been. June was right. I shouldn’t have abandoned him. We were friends, and that wasn’t how friends behaved.
    But what about the rest?
    I was attracted to Nick. Who wouldn’t be? He was fun and confident and sexy. He made me comfortable in a way nobody else could. He flirted with me and made me feel sexy for the first time in my life. But if we were to remain friends, I had to put all that aside.
    It was normal for me to desire him. After all, I was twenty-eight, and until Halloween, I’d still been a virgin. I figured anybody in my position would have felt the same. But I realized now what a horrible position I’d put him in. Yes, he was attracted to me, and he cared about me, but he’d tried to keep a few simple boundaries in place, and all the while, I’d pushed him forward, blindly banking on his desire to overcome his will.
    It had worked, too, but at what cost?
    So how would we stay friends, but without the sexual tension? That was the question. And almost as quickly as I thought it, a potential answer came. What if I focused my desire on somebody else? It wasn’t that I wanted to hurt Nick, or to make him jealous, but maybe if I turned my attentions elsewhere, it would make things easier. It would take the pressure off us both. I couldn’t have Nick, but that didn’t mean I had to stay single for the rest of my life.
    After all, Nick wasn’t the only guy who’d flirted with me recently.
    It wasn’t hard to find Michael’s clinic online and get their number. The hard part was picking up the phone and dialing, then staying on the line, waiting for an answer.
    “Tucker Springs Acupuncture. This is Nathan. How can I assist you today?”
    I’d been counting on him to answer the phone, but for a moment, I wasn’t sure what to say. I sat there, frozen and mute.
    “Hello-o?” he said. “Does somebody need to be pricked and poked, because you have to speak up if you want me to put you on the schedule.”
    “Nathan, it’s Owen. We met on Halloween. Do you remember me?”
    “Owen!” he said with obvious surprise. “How could I forget the man who turned me down cold?”
    “Oh. Uh. Yeah. I’m sorry about that.”
    “No need to apologize. I wasn’t exactly interested in having my ass kicked by a veterinarian anyway. So, what’s up? Do you need an appointment?”
    “No. I w-wanted to talk t-to you.” I stopped and took a breath, getting my tongue