On an Edge of Glass

“ Door Payton!”  I shout, but she doesn’t come back.  I figure that she’s already on the phone ordering her favorite—Moo shu pork with no rice and extra egg rolls.
                  I roll my eyes and crawl forward on my knees, letting the book that I’m holding drag across the floor.  As I reach my hand out to swing the door closed, a pair of worn black boots steps into my line of sight.   
                  I tip my head back, back, back.  It’s like déjà vu to that first day in the coffee shop.  Here is Ben, all warm brown eyes and loose hair falling across his forehead, staring down at me.
                  “Hey,” I manage to say in a tone that I hope comes across as bland.
                  Ben grimaces.  He slips through the door and shuts it gently behind him.  “Hey, I wanted to see you…”
                  I shuffle the papers in front of me and fidget with the pen in my hand—anything so that I don’t have to look at him.  “I, uh, don’t really have the time to hang out tonight, okay?” 
                  I expect Ben to nod his head and leave my room, but of course he doesn’t cooperate.  He drops down next to me and grabs my chin so that I’m forced to look into those dark, digging eyes.
    He opens his mouth like he wants to say something.  Closes it.  Opens it again.  “Please talk to me Ellie.”  His voice cracks with purpose.
                  “About what?”  The words drizzle out of me.  I’m playing ignorant. 
                  “You seemed upset earlier and I want you to tell me why.”
                  I lift my arms in an exaggerated shrug.  “It’s nothing,” I lie thinly.  “I just have a lot going on right now with this test and my classes and stuff.  Right after Thanksgiving break we’re going to jump into final exam week.  I’m completely unprepared, and I should be studying for the LSAT and working on my Columbia application and—”
                  Ben interrupts me, his voice thick and gruff.  “So it has nothing to do with Julie and me?  Because it seemed like you were upset this afternoon.”
                  Ugh.  Julie and me.  He says it like they’re a unit.  Abbot and Costello, Cagney and Lacey, Penn and Teller, Edward and Bella, Ben and Julie.
                  “Pshhhh,” I bat my hand in the air dismissively.  “No, not at all.  You can do whatever you like with whomever you like.  It’s not like we’re—” I close my eyes and reopen them.  “So if you and Julie are talking or whatever, I don’t mind.  It’s fine with me.”
                  The look on Ben’s face makes my stomach queasy.  He rocks back on his heels, and drops my chin.  “So your opinion of me is that I’m the kind of guy that’s okay with spending the morning in your bedroom with you and the afternoon with another girl?  You think that even though you know how things ended for my last relationship?”               
                  The hurt laced through his words knocks into me. 
    “No…” I start to protest, but the thing is that is exactly what I’ve been thinking and he knows it.  “I just meant that it’s not like I expect any kind of commitment from you.  I have no claim on you.  We aren’t…” I let out a held breath and speak quickly before I chicken out.  “You don’t even want to have sex with me.” 
                  Ben shakes his head lightly.  “Is that what you think?” 
                  My hands are trembling.  I look down at the floor.  “It doesn’t have to be a big deal… I figured that you were still getting over your ex, or that you aren’t that into me.  Or maybe it’s because we’re roommates and things could get even more uncomfortable…”  My throat closes up.    
                  “Jesus Ellie. How can you possibly be that bad at reading me?”  He rolls his shoulders and brings his face to my level.  He is speaking low and rough and his words rumble through me.  “Just so a few things are clear: Julie’s just a friend.  She borrowed a book for class the other day and she came by here to drop it off.  And I do want to have sex with you.  Badly.” 
    “I—I don’t—”
    “You didn’t let me finish.”  His eyes close briefly.  “I do want to have