On an Edge of Glass

talk?”
                  I don’t acknowledge that the thought of Ben with another girl wounds me in a huge way.  “I don’t think he…”  My voice trails off.
                  “Ellie,” Mark says in a tone like he’s talking to a four year old.  “Ben is a musician.  He’s too damn hot for his own good, and he’s fresh out of a long relationship.  A relationship that ended badly.  My instincts tell me that he’s going to be playing the field, or sowing his wild oats, or whatever, for a bit.  I just don’t want to see you end up in the crossfire.”
                  I ignore the massive boulder that’s taken up residence on top of my heart.  “I guess that Ben can do what he wants.  We’re taking this whole thing one day at a time.”  God, I don’t even believe myself.
                  “And you’re okay, say… if he hooks up with some harlot after one of his shows?  Or maybe a beautiful violinist that’s in the student orchestra with him?”
    Of course, no w I’m remembering that he had a performance last Thursday and got home really late.  I swallow down the lump lodged in my throat.  “It’s a no-strings attached arrangement,” I say carefully. 
                  “And you and Ben have discussed this?”
    “Well, no….”
    “Ellie Glass!  Only an idiot thinks that the no-strings thing works out in the end.  And you’re not an idiot.”  Mark sits forward and places his hand over mine.  “Chica, I don’t want you to get hurt and I’m worried.  I like this new playful Ellie.  I really do.  But I also know that the Ellie that’s sitting for the LSAT in two days, and plans to take on Columbia by storm, is still in there somewhere.  And I have an awful feeling that this thing with Ben is going to blow up in her face.”
                  I want to tell Mark that he’s full of shit—that he has no idea what he’s talking about.  But the thing is, a part of me thinks that maybe—as usual—Mark has a point. 
    I do like Ben.  More than I should if this thing is just what it appears to be—casual.  Last night after he’d slipped into my room and we messed around for awhile, we talked into the dark for hours and Ben had me laughing until I could hardly speak. 
    I fell asleep to the sound of him humming into my hair, and the feel of him at my back.   And I didn’t want it to end.  I wanted to turn over and kiss that freckle on his chest that kills me.  I wanted to run my fingers through his dark hair and trace the lines of his face with my lips.  I wanted to devour him.  That doesn’t sound like a no-strings-attached, no destination feeling. 
    “God!” I screw my eyes shut.  “Why do you always have to be right?”  
    Mark looks resigned.  He takes a long sip from his cup of coffee.  “It’s the natural order of things.”
     
                    
                  In my head I’m planning what I’m going to say to Ben.  I’m going play it cool and try to stay away from words like “us” and “feelings.”   
    Ainsley and I are in the car headed home from the mall.  She dragged me shopping after class so that I could vote on which dress she should wear to some fraternity social she has to go to Saturday night.
    “Okay, serious question,” she says glancing at me sideways.   Her blonde hair is pulled away from her heart-shaped face with a butterfly clip.  Her blue eyes are wide and steady.  “Are you thinking black shoes or nude?  Be totally honest.”
                  Uh.  I wasn’t really thinking about either but I don’t say that.  I cock my head to one side like I’m contemplating the question. 
    “ I think black will be sexier but nude is more sophisticated, so I guess it depends on what look you’re going for,” I say.  My chilly hands are cupped over the car air vents to capture the heat.
                  She nods, letting my advice soak in.  “When Brandon asked me to go to this thing with him I was sort of underwhelmed.  I’ve known him for awhile and we’ve never been anything more than friends, but I think he really likes me and now… I don’t know…” she looks almost shy—two rosy bright circles appearing on her cheeks.  “I think I might feel the same way.”
                  I give her a jerky smile.  “Then black it is!”
                  Ainsley laughs