One Hundred Names (Special Edition)

her throat. Food wasn’t going down easily and she didn’t know why. She used to find comfort in the fact that Steve had an appalling job that he hated and refused to settle down. His realising that changes needed to be made in his life, and then making them, was upsetting. She simply didn’t want to be the only one with problems.
    ‘How is your new story going?’ he asked, finally filling the uncomfortable silence.
    ‘Oh,’ Kitty sighed, feeling drained by it already. ‘I don’t know. I met a very nice old lady tonight who told me about her very nice life and it’s all sounding very nice, but nothing …’ she scrunched her hands together, ‘nothing meaty, nothing juicy. I need to dig around in her cupboard for a few skeletons or something. Something that’s not so “very nice”. This is my chance to prove myself to so many people – probably my
last
chance – and whatever it was that Constance saw, I’m sure as hell not seeing it. It’s a little frustrating.’
    Steve was quiet. She looked at him and his whole body had tensed up. His jaw had squared and he was looking at her as if he wanted to inflict physical pain on her.
    ‘Have you spoken to Colin Maguire yet?’
    ‘I will phone him right now if it stops you from saying whatever horrible thing is on the tip of your tongue.’
    ‘So it’s about you again,’ he snapped. ‘You apologising to him is all about you.’ His sudden change of mood took her by surprise.
    ‘I was joking, Steve, but go on, I see you’re in the mood to rip me to shreds again.’ Before he had the chance to do so, she dived in, ‘Just so you know, I am truly sorry about what happened to him.’
    ‘What
happened
to him? Something didn’t just happen to him, Kitty,
you
caused it, you
actively
caused it, not some random unexplained unlucky event that just
happened.
’
    ‘I know that! Okay, I phrased it wrong. I can’t win with you. Of course I know it’s my fault. I have a bloody conscience, you know. I will be sorry every single day for the rest of my life.’
    ‘
After
the fact,’ he said, confusing her. ‘You’re always sorry
after
you do something. You never think about how they feel or how you’d feel
before
. That’s what annoys me. You’ve learned nothing from the Colin Maguire situation. Here you are interviewing a nice little old lady and her nice little story is not enough for you. You always want more.’
    Kitty was so shocked by his mood swing that her eyes stung with hot frustrated tears. She looked around and tried to focus on everything else around her to stop the tears from falling. Kitty didn’t cry easily but she was having an emotional time lately and she had never been so out of favour with Steve. His opinion was of high importance to her. She had heard her mother accuse her of everything under the sun since January but nothing –
nothing
– could affect her as much as one simple look of disappointment from Steve.
    They finished their meat in silence, she paid the bill and they walked in silence to her flat.
    ‘I’ll make sure it’s safe,’ Steve said quietly, running up the stairs to check the area.
    The door that led to the stairs up to her flat was always left open. As much as Kitty had pleaded with the landlords they couldn’t lock it as it was the shared door to the second internal door, which led to the dry-cleaners. This meant that at any time of the day anybody could walk up the stairs to her door.
    ‘It’s okay,’ he said, coming back down. ‘Stinks of shit, though.’
    ‘Thanks for coming over. I really appreciate it. Especially now that you have a girlfriend,’ she teased childishly, elbowing him.
    ‘She wants to meet you,’ he said, softening.
    ‘Yeah, cool, that would be great,’ she said over-enthusiastically, and it was obvious. ‘Well, I’d better get inside before somebody chucks a water balloon filled with vomit at my head. I’m glad you’re happy, Steve.’ She tried to make it sound jolly and genuine but all that she heard was her own voice saying,
Your happiness makes me jealous and unhappy, Steve. I am a bitter and twisted human being.
    She blocked her nose and mouth with her jacket as she ran up the steps to her flat and tried to convince herself that the unbearable stench was the reason for her crying.

CHAPTER NINE
    ‘Here we are in Arnotts, on their new personal shopping floor, and with me is top super shopper to the stars Eva Wu and author of the internationally renowned blog,