Paint Me Beautiful

cry.
    “ Because you know it's the right thing to do.”
    “ What if I say no?” I whisper as I glance over at him and wish I was a better person. I think that if I were whole, if I was missing that circle of pain inside of myself, that Emmett and I could be happy just being together. I could be a housewife or an astronaut or a dog walker, just so long as I got to have him hold me at night and kiss me in the morning. I look away and focus on the shiny wood paneling that covers the dashboard.
    “ Then I'll hold you and kiss you, and I won't go to work, and I won't sleep because Claire, if you don't change your life now, you're not going to have one for very much longer.”
    “ Why don't you just drag me to Bayview and drop me off at the front porch?” I snarl at him, fighting back because I feel cornered and not because I really want to. I've been reduced to my most basic instincts, the ones that are the last to go before the body shuts down completely. “If you think I have an eating disorder, that I'm a fucking anorexic, take me over there and let them shove a Goddamn feeding tube down my fucking throat.”
    “ Claire, if I do that, will it help? Will it make you rethink your decisions? Or will it make you even more miserable? Will you get out and start fasting all over again? How many times can you go to Bayview before you decide that enough is enough? Frankly, I'd rather have you here with me.”
    “ I'm not sick,” I tell him, but the words sound weak even to me.
    “ Do you remember the recipe for the omelet we made in class? Do you want to try that again or is there something else?”
    “ I haven't said yes yet,” I tell him.
    “ But I know you want to,” is his response.
    We sit together in silence until the car is so warm that moisture begins to drip from the inside of the windows. I look over at Emmett and reach up to tug the sleeves of his shirt closer around me. Despite the change in temperature, despite his proximity, I'm still cold. I stare at my friend's face, at his strong brow, his full lips, his freshly shaved cheeks, and I come up with a plan – one that will work for both of us.
    “ Okay,” I tell him. “I'll eat.”
    When Emmett smiles at me, that's when I hit rock bottom because I know that I am the most horrible person that has ever walked this earth.

 

    Somehow, I end up falling asleep on the drive home and wake up to find Emmett carrying me into the house. He takes me into his bedroom and lays me down on his bed.
    “ That's awfully forward of you,” I say to him, finding some small bit of myself that hasn't been starved to death. The look on Emmett's face when he hears my joke is to die for, two parts precious and one part wicked sexy. How he ever found me attractive in that moment is beyond me.
    “ Well, I've got to help you out of those wet clothes before you catch your death,” he laughs and then sobers up immediately, like that turn of phrase could not have been any more inappropriate, and he's all the more ashamed for it. “Why don't I run you a bubble bath and then when you get out, we can get dressed and go to the store? Marlena gave me tomorrow off, so maybe we can look up some more agencies together. There's plenty of fish in the sea, right?”
    I stare at him and a frown overwhelms my face.
    “ Did you tell my sister what was happening?” Emmett doesn't speak. “Did she give you the day off, so that you could baby me?”
    “ She loves you,” Emmett says blatantly, unafraid to throw the L-word around when he knows it's most needed. Right now, I'm literally starving for it.
    “ No, she doesn't. If she did, she'd leave me alone and let me figure out things by myself.”
    “ She wants to, but she doesn't know how,” he explains, sitting down on the edge of the bed next to me. Emmett's curtains are actually open today, but the room is still dark because there's no sunshine outside, just a wet, wet storm that weighs heavy on the sky and makes me wonder if it will ever end. I stare at him, let my eyes drop from his face down to his chest, to the shadowy arches of muscle, the slick skin. I reach out to touch him, but he stops me with a gentle touch to my wrist. “She's so afraid that you're going to hurt yourself, that she'd rather you hated her than she lost you.” I pull my hand back from Emmett sharply and let it all into my lap.
    “ I want to make my dreams come true,” I whisper and then I start to cry because I had really, truly believed that