Pictures of Lily

time – and every time since, if we’re being truthful. ‘What about him? Does he know about me?’
    I feel ashamed. ‘I haven’t told him anything.’
    ‘Were you planning on telling him?’
    ‘I don’t know. I’ve been so confused!’ I cry. The sight of tears rolling down my cheeks seems to calm him. He takes my hand and leads me off the footpath into a quiet side street.
    ‘It seems pretty clear-cut to me,’ he says. ‘You can never say anything to your . . .’ He pauses, unable to even say the word ‘boyfriend’, let alone fiancé . ‘And I’ll go to Adelaide and you can get on with your life.’
    ‘I don’t want that.’ I shake my head adamantly.
    ‘Then it gets complicated.’
    ‘I know.’
    ‘Lily, I can’t make this decision for you. It has to be yours.’
    A bizarre thought suddenly strikes me. We haven’t even kissed! He hasn’t told me he loves me! Yet here we are, acting like I actually have a choice to make between two men. Isn’t this conversation a little premature?
    We meet each other’s eyes. Mine are brimming with tears; his are filled with sadness.
    ‘You’ve never even told me how you feel about me,’ I say quietly.
    ‘I thought it was obvious.’
    ‘It’s not.’
    He looks even more pained. ‘You know I think you’re special.’
    ‘My dad thinks I’m special. That doesn’t count.’
    ‘What do you want me to say?’
    ‘I want you to say it out loud.’
    ‘You want me to bare my soul to you.’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘It’s very difficult when I’ve just found out you’re engaged to someone else.’
    ‘I understand.’ How could he love me when I’ve deceived him like this?
    ‘I don’t think you do,’ he says. ‘It was hard enough losing you last time. At least I didn’t put my heart on the line, only to have it crushed to smithereens.’
    ‘Unlike me. I told you how I felt.’
    ‘I’m sorry,’ he says softly. ‘I hated walking away from you.’
    ‘But you did. You didn’t have to – and what you said to me back then was wrong. I wasn’t okay, I wasn’t fine , after you left. I was broken and no one has been able to fix me.’
    ‘What else could I have done? You were sixteen, for Christ’s sake!’
    ‘You could have waited for me. I would have been eighteen in two years and then I could have done what I wanted.’
    ‘That would have meant making you wait for me ! I couldn’t do that to you! I couldn’t expect you to put your life on hold. For all I knew it was a teenage crush.’
    ‘It wasn’t a teenage crush.’
    He steps towards me. ‘I know.’
    I stay where I am, rooted to the spot. He cups my face with his hands and I feel like I’m drowning in his ocean-coloured eyes.
    ‘I love you,’ he says. ‘More now than ever. I’ve been talking to you inside my head for the last ten years.’
    Me too . . .
    ‘And the thought of losing you again kills me,’ he continues. ‘But you’re right. I am the one who left. I hurt you back then and you have every reason to want to hurt me now.’
    ‘I’m not doing tha—’
    ‘Shhh. It’s okay. I deserve it.’ His hands drop from my face. ‘But I’ve got to back off now. That’s all I’m going to say. You have a decision to make and I can’t interfere with that. I don’t want to be responsible for ruining your life if this guy Richard is the right man for you.’ He checks his watch. ‘You’d better get back to work.’
    ‘I can’t go back to work now!’ I wail.
    ‘Yes, you can. You have to. You can’t mess up this opportunity.’
    I pull out another tissue and wipe away my tears.
    ‘I’ll walk you back,’ he says.
    ‘I’d rather you didn’t.’
    He nods, not looking at me.
    ‘I need time to compose myself,’ I sniffle.
    ‘Okay,’ he says.
    ‘I’ll call you.’
    ‘I’ll be waiting.’ His eyes meet mine for a moment and the pain is intense. He nods brusquely. ‘See you soon.’ And then he walks away.
    I stay down that narrow street for five minutes, trying to get myself together before I turn and walk hurriedly back to the office. My mind is racing, but all I want to do is find a quiet place to cry. Cry so hard that I’ll have nothing left in me. Unfortunately though, I know there’s no chance of using up my supply. I have many, many more tears to come.
    I arrive back at the office fifteen minutes early and walk through reception, planning on keeping my head down. But the moment my eyes flick to Mel and Nicola behind the desk, they know that something is