Pictures of Lily
doing now.’
‘But it’s still not photography, eh?’
I say nothing as my mood dips once more, then I tell him: ‘I haven’t used my camera at all.’
‘Why not?’ He’s taken aback.
‘I’m thinking it cost too much.’
He looks relieved. ‘Well, if that’s all it is, I can help you.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Let me help you buy it.’
‘No!’ I say loudly, coming to my senses.
‘Why not? Think of how many Christmases and birthdays I’ve missed out on over the years. I probably owe you a couple of grand by now,’ he jokes, but I’m not laughing.
‘No. Absolutely not.’
‘Alright. In that case, I’ll lend you the money and you can pay me back when you want to. Interest-free. How about that?’
‘No, Ben.’ I sigh.
‘You can’t return it,’ he says adamantly. ‘Have you looked into any courses?’
I shake my head because I can’t bear to say it out loud.
‘You’ve got plenty of time,’ he says reassuringly. ‘Stop doubting yourself. If you’re worried you’ve left it too late now, think of how pissed off you’ll be in five years’ time when you’re still regretting never doing anything about it.’
I sigh again. ‘I know you’re right. But enough about me. What have you been up to?’
‘Well . . .’ He hesitates outside a café. ‘Do you want to go in here?’
‘Sure. But Ben, what is it?’
‘Come inside and I’ll tell you.’
A feeling of dread starts to fill me up. I can’t move.
‘Lily?’
‘No. I think you’d better tell me here.’
Concern washes over his face. ‘It’s okay,’ he says. ‘It’s nothing bad.’
‘Tell me.’
‘It’s just that I’ve been offered my old job back in Adelaide.’
The ground has opened up beneath me and I’m falling into darkness. Please God, not again . . .
‘It’s okay,’ he repeats, putting his hands on my arms. ‘I don’t have to take it.’
Light returns. Light filling me up.
‘I won’t leave you.’ He wraps his arms around me and I press my face into his chest, trying to breathe. ‘If you’re happy here, if things are working out for you and your career, then I won’t go.’
He would do that for me?
‘Do you want to go?’ I mumble. I pull my face away from his chest so he can hear me. ‘Do you want to go?’
‘Well, you know I love Adelaide.’ He glances down at me and shrugs. ‘But it’s okay. It’ll still be there in a few years’ time. Who knows what you’ll be doing then.’
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
‘You might be a professional photographer,’ he continues, smiling. ‘A laidback Adelaide lifestyle might be right up your street.’
I can’t do this. I can’t go on like this. He’s looking at me, waiting for me to say something.
‘Or I might be married.’ My voice is barely audible.
He chuckles, misunderstanding me. ‘Oh yeah? To whom?’
‘No one you know,’ I say very, very quietly.
The smile leaves his face and he regards me gravely. ‘Lily?’ He’s uncomprehending. ‘What’s going on?’
‘I have a boyfriend,’ I whisper. ‘He’s asked me to marry him.’
Ben drops my arms and steps away from me, his eyes never leaving my face.
‘No.’
I nod. ‘It’s true.’
‘You’re engaged? No.’ He rubs his head, disbelieving.
‘He asked me a couple of months ago. Before I found you again.’
‘And you never told me!’ he exclaims, hurt written all over his face.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You’re not joking, are you? This isn’t some sort of sick revenge you’re getting on me for what I did years ago?’
He’s still looking bemused, trying to work out what’s happening, but I can see that he’s slowly beginning to believe me.
‘Ben, I’m so, so sorry. I wanted to tell y—’
‘Then why didn’t you?’ he interrupts. ‘How could you keep something like this quiet?’
‘I was so confused when you came back into my life. I had no idea what was going to happen.’
‘And now you’re telling me this so I don’t put my life on hold for you? So I go back to Adelaide?’
‘No, that’s not it at all. I don’t want you to leave.’
‘But if I do, then that makes your decision pretty damn tidy, doesn’t it.’
‘ Please . I can’t bear the thought of losing you again.’
‘What about your boyfriend?’
‘Richard.’
‘I don’t want to know his name!’ he practically shouts, and I understand how he feels because I felt the same when I heard ‘Charlotte’ mentioned the first
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