Pictures of Lily

imagination? I slept with it under my pillow for a year, always living in fear that my mum would find it. I gingerly put it to one side and then – there it is, my camera. And underneath it are stacks and stacks of photographs. I’m not sure I have the strength for this.
    For a moment I close my eyes and feel the weight of the camera in my hands. It’s partly smooth and partly ridged, heavy between my fingers. And then I can see the shots that I took, one by one as though clicking through a projector in my head. New Year confetti sparkling in the hot Australian sun; a giant rocking horse; a kangaroo called Roy; Olivia the koala; the lily pond . . . But no Ben. I remember I took no shots of Ben.
    But you took one of me, didn’t you? Do you ever look at it? Do you ever wonder what might have been?
    ‘You didn’t say what you wanted for lunch.’
    I jump guiltily at the sound of my mum’s voice.
    ‘You scared me!’
    ‘Sorry. What are you doing, sitting there with your eyes closed?’ she asks.
    ‘Resting.’
    ‘Resting?’ she scoffs. ‘I thought you stayed in last night?’
    ‘I did. What is there? For lunch,’ I add, when she looks confused.
    ‘Oh. A sandwich? Some soup?’
    ‘A sandwich, please. I have soup every day at work. Do you want me to make it?’
    ‘No, no, I think I can just about manage it myself,’ she replies with amusement. ‘Cheese? Chicken?’
    ‘Cheese is good.’
    ‘I’ll get on with it.’
    ‘Thanks,’ I murmur, turning back to my camera. I gently place it down on the bed and reach into the box for the photographs. They’re better than I remembered them, which surprises me. There’s no holding back the regret now. Why did I stop taking pictures? Why?
    I’m still sitting there, staring into space, when my mum returns.
    ‘Lunch is ready.’
    ‘Okay, cool.’ I look down at the opened box. ‘I’ll be out in a minute.’
    ‘Leave it there. I’ll sort it later. Come and chat to me.’
    I reluctantly get up and leave the room, knowing that I’ll return in a while to pack up my things. I don’t want my mum to touch anything, especially my photographs.
    We sit at the small round wooden dinner table to eat.
    ‘Have you seen much of Jeremy since – you know?’ I ask.
    ‘Nope. Coward used his key to clear out his stuff when I was at work. I haven’t seen him since.’
    ‘You’re well out of it,’ I tell her.
    She shrugs nonchalantly. ‘I know.’
    ‘Josh is coming over in a couple of weeks.’
    ‘Is he?’ She tries to sound disinterested.
    ‘Would you like me to bring him over here to say hi?’
    ‘What would I want you to do that for?’
    ‘I don’t know, I thought you might miss him.’
    She laughs. ‘No way. I’m surprised you two stayed in touch.’
    ‘Why?’
    ‘Well, he seemed so – and don’t take this the wrong way – but out of your league.’
    ‘Thanks very much!’ She laughs, which does nothing to lessen my annoyance. ‘Do you think Richard is out of my league too?’ I continue indignantly.
    ‘No, no, you’re much more of a catch now.’
    ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
    ‘Oh, you know, Lily, you didn’t make very much of yourself back in those days. I even thought at one stage that you were a lesbian.’
    ‘Mum!’ She laughs again, clearly enjoying herself. ‘What about Dan? Did you think he was out of my league?’
    ‘Absolutely. Darling, didn’t you? I mean, look how that turned out.’
    Now I’m properly stung.
    ‘Oh honey, don’t be upset. Look at you now – you’re gorgeous. Richard is a very, very lucky young man.’
    ‘He’s asked me to marry him.’
    ‘ What ?’
    I cringe, inwardly and outwardly. I wasn’t planning on telling her, but it just came out.
    ‘What did you say?’ she asks when I don’t speak.
    ‘I said yes,’ I tell her.
    ‘Did you?’ She looks surprised, and not pleasantly so.
    ‘Yes, I did.’
    ‘Oh.’ The corners of her mouth turn down and she picks up her sandwich.
    ‘Is that all you’re going to say?’ Now I’m getting cross again.
    ‘What do you want me to say?’
    ‘Congratulations would be nice.’
    ‘Congratulations, darling.’
    ‘But you don’t mean it!’
    ‘You know what I’m like about tying the knot. I didn’t think anybody did that these days.’
    ‘Well, they do. And I’m going to. Okay?’
    ‘Of course. It’s your life.’
    ‘Oh, you are really pissing me off now.’ I throw my sandwich down on my plate in disgust.
    ‘Don’t be so sensitive,’