Rachel Alexander 02 - The Dog who knew too much

hold up my hand. Let me finish, I’d tell him. Something happened to me, something got started that I need to finish. So I’ve decided to leave here. I’ve decided to continue my studies in China .
    What are you saying? he’d ask, shocked. Lisa’s dead, I could say. What difference does it make why she killed herself, when you think about it? But walking in her shoes, reading her books, studying t’ai chi, that’s what became important to me. And if Lisa felt the way to do that was to do it in China , then that’s what I’m going to do.
    But why not stay here and study? I can teach you, he’d tell me, not wanting to let me go. And I’d just say, I can’t . I have to follow through with this.
    Would he look away? Would there be tears?
    I never meant . . . , he might say. And I’d tell him, it doesn’t matter what you meant. Or what I meant. It’s just something that has to be now. My aunt and uncle are letting me use Lisa’s ticket, so I can take Dashiell with me. Everything is paid for. And there’s nothing to keep me here, no husband, no job. This was meant to be, Avi . It was fate that brought me here, so that this could happen. Do you believe in fate? I’d ask him.
    Now that I was letting in the dark thoughts I’d been avoiding, something else occurred to me. I’d assumed Paul was on his way to see me at the studio. What if he’d been on his way from the studio, after being told by Avi that I wasn’t there? What if Avi had followed him out?
    But why? I searched my mind and couldn’t think of a time I’d mentioned him to Avi . If he’d view Paul as a threat to our master/slave relationship, how did he know? And then I remembered the first time we’d met. Avi had picked up the scent of Lisa’s perfume from her scarf. Surely he’d noticed the stronger scent of chlorine. Surely he’d understood its significance.
    Did he want to make sure that this time nothing would distract his new apprentice from her studies? Like Lisa’s father, was he able to give Lisa anything under the sun, except her freedom?
    Zen, I’d read in one of Lisa’s books, is simply a voice crying, Wake up, wake up. That was exactly what I had to do, before it was too late.
    If I had something to ask Avi , there was no time like the present. I looked up at the studio windows. The lights were still on. I got up, walked across the street, and, taking a couple of deep breaths, prepared to take the stairs, as Lisa always had.

35

I Could See His Aura

    SHE WAS STANDING in the doorway, a thin woman in a worn-out coat. “You going in?” she said, pushing her brown bangs off her sallow face.
    I nodded.
    “I usually clean of a Sunday, when no one’s here,” she said, the keys in her hand, “but my sister’s daughter is getting married, thank God.” She opened the door for me. “You people work so late,” she said, “no one else in the building. The old man was just leaving when I got here,” she said, ringing for the elevator.
    I walked in but didn’t turn on the lights. Instead, out of habit I guess, I took off Lisa’s jacket and changed to her shoes, then, standing in the center of the studio floor, slowly began to do the form. Stepping into White Stork Spreads Its Wings, my right arm bent, my wrist above my eyes, so that I would be able to see the enemy, all I could see was myself reflected in the mirror, wearing Lisa’s shoes, Lisa’s black workout clothes, and Lisa’s bracelet. It dangled heavily from my wrist, reminding me of the weight I had taken on, the obligation to see this through and find out why Lisa, and now Paul, were dead.
    Instead of paying attention to what I was doing, I thought about Stewie Fleck, of how guilty he’d acted.
    But then I remembered three dogs I was training years ago. When the owner came home and found something wrong, he’d shout, Which of you hoodlums did this? One never looked guilty, even if she was. One only looked guilty if he’d done it. And one always looked guilty, no matter who tore the pillow, ate the defrosting chicken, or left a dump on the rug.
    Hadn’t Janet managed to keep alive the resentment she’d felt for Lisa when she’d come to the school and immediately become Avi’s favorite? Lisa had stolen not one but two treasures from Janet. Then she’d tossed them both away, the way the alpha dog might take the best bone, only to drop it a moment later, having taken it as an object lesson, just to prove he could.
    Push, push, that’s a dog’s world, a