Savage Tales

landscape.
    But God never appeared. I sat under that tree and waited for the longest time. The sun finally set, and it got colder than I had ever remembered in the garden. Dew developed upon my skin, the grass, white drops in my hair sticky like mucus. I sighed. I seemed to remember something – no, someone – and I don't mean the serpent. It was like another... another person, if that makes any kind of sense. As if it wasn't just me. As though God had written my existence and the attempt to undo me via that legless creature but had left something out. I couldn't imagine what. I couldn't imagine.
    I sat for the longest time, watching the stars turn above and listening to the insects crawl through the grass. Nothing resembled a punchline. It didn't come.

WHO'S WHO IN SPACE

    I had just come off duty and gone to the lounge for a drink. I saw Lieutenant Imada there and took the stool next to her.
    "Lieutenant."
    "Hello, Captain. I was just leaving."
    "Please stay. I'd like a few words with you."
    "As you wish, sir."
    "Please, not so formal. We're off the bridge now. I just want to talk to you as a man talks to a woman."
    "All right."
    "Kyle."
    "What?"
    "My name. Kyle. Instead of sir, or captain. Call me Kyle."
    "Yes, sir, Kyle."
    "You really are a tough duck, aren't you?"
    "Sir?"
    "Never mind. What I'd like to tell you is about Commander Olsen. I have some bad news."
    "What is it?"
    "Well, maybe not too bad. He's still alive and well. But I've noticed you and him have been spending an inordinate amount of time together lately."
    "Yes, we're lovers."
    I winced but tried to do it inwardly.
    "You're – that's, that's inter – that's wonderful. Thank you for sharing that so openly with me."
    "Of course."
    "But I – well, you know Commander Olsen is a good man."
    "Of course, sir."
    "Generally."
    "Sir?"
    "Kyle. Remember, Kyle."
    "Kyle? What do you mean generally ?"
    "I'm just saying that I wouldn't want to see you hurt."
    "Why would I be hurt?"
    "I'm just saying I wouldn't want you to contract any sexually transmitted alien diseases."
    She looked into her green drink.
    I said, "I’m sorry to have to break it to you like this. But everyone knows Commander Olsen is a bit of a womanizer."
    "That is strange. The other crew members have always told me that you're a womanizer."
    "Who said that?"
    "No one in particular. Just people."
    "But names. Like… names."
    "People."
    "Well, those cowards are wrong. I'm pure as soap."
    "But they never said anything about Commander Olsen."
    "He'd bang anything with a hole."
    "Oh."
    "I don't mean to imply that you are just something with a hole, Lieutenant Imada."
    She didn't say anything.
    "I'm sure you're much more."
    She didn't say anything.
    "So I imagine you're reconsidering your relationship. You may have thought him noble. That's to be expected. He looks very noble. Like a soccer trophy. But inside his gold-plated veneer he's like a filthy piece of feces. And nobody wants to be in a relationship with that, right? So if you want to break up with him, I'd understand. You might even be thinking that all his womanizing is behind him now that he's with you. Think again. Just last week when we beamed down to Oxylon-9 we were greeted by a contingent of space whores who offered themselves as gifts to us from the natives to appease us – thought we were gonna slaughter 'em, the little devils, and who were we to correct them? – and who do you think was first in line but Commander Olsen, right there with two or three of the little furry girls under his arms like cheerleaders after the big game in which he threw the winning touchdown."
    "I don't understand sports metaphors."
    "I'm trying to say that Commander Olsen just isn't good enough for a girl like you. You might want to consider another… such as myself."
    "Oh, I couldn't do that, Captain."
    "Kyle."
    "Kyle."
    "And why not, Lieutenant?"
    "Because you're the captain. It just wouldn't be right."

    That night I was in bed holding my teddy bear and crying when my comm unit rang. I answered and there was Commander Olsen's face.
    "Hello, Captain. May I have a word with you?"
    "It's two o'clock in the morning," I said. "Can't it wait?"
    "We're in the middle of space so day and night don't really matter."
    "True, but I'm tired."
    "Meet me in the training room in three minutes."
    "Are you ordering me, the captain, around on my own ship, Olsen?"
    "Just be there. And come alone. Don't even bring your teddy bear."
    I was going to retort, but he