Savage Tales

had hung up. I got up and dressed, hiding several weapons on my person and sucking on a breath mint. You never know when you'll would need good breath.
    He was already in the training room when I arrived.
    "Now what's all this about, Olsen?"
    "Lieutenant Imada tells me you've been spreading lies about me."
    "And you believed her?"
    "Yes."
    "All right. So?"
    "Why did you do it? I thought we were friends."
    "Look. We've been on this spaceship for three years. Sometimes we all go a little crazy and say things we don't mean."
    "That's not a good excuse. I challenge you to a duel."
    "A what? Jesus, Olsen, go back to bed."
    He picked up a sword from the rack of weapons that we trained with.
    "Choose your weapon, sir," he said.
    "I already have," I said.
    I fired with the phaser I'd hid in my pocket and tore a football sized hole in his chest. He fell to the ground.
    I got to work cleaning it up.
    In the morning I walked onto the bridge nonchalantly.
    "Gooood morning, Lieutenant Imada," I said, winking.
    She turned her back to me, which was the view I enjoyed most.
    "Sir," said Ensign Krutsev. "Commander Olsen failed to report for duty at 0600 hours."
    "Really?" I said. "Probably on an all-night bender. We'll overlook it this time."
    "Sir, we paged him and rang his quarters but we've been unable to locate him."
    "Well, you win some, you lose some."
    "Sir, we located his comm. badge in garbage shoot 48B."
    "I don't know what that number means, Ensign. Is that a good garbage shoot or something?"
    "The robots are still searching the rubbish, but we believe the Commander may be dead."
    "My God!" I said. "It must be the Lardomians. Bastards!"
    "Sir, we checked the video footage and we know that you murdered him."
    Guards appeared around me, as if from thin air.
    "What is the meaning of this?" I said.
    "Sir, you're under arrest for the murder of Commander Olsen," said Lieutenant Imada.
    "Imada? You're hijacking this ship?"
    "Take him away, boys."
    I was going to fight, but my blood sugar was low because I'd skipped breakfast. It truly is the most important meal of the day.
    In the brig I got a visitor after an hour: Dr. McClune.
    "Doc. You don't think I did it, do you?"
    "The footage clearly shows you blowing a hole in Commander Olsen's chest. What else can I think of that, Kyle?"
    "Oh yeah, sure I shot him. But he told me it was set on stun. It was part of a training exercise we were doing. At two in the morning. That's a great time to exercise, by the way."
    The doc left. In my loneliness, I read the Bible secreted in my cell. It was a King James Version with the words of Christ in red. I found a pen and started annotating it and pointing out any of the non-scientific parts, beginning in Genesis.
    After a few hours of this stimulating activity the guards came for me and took me to the Judgement Chamber. Sitting in the judge's seat was Lieutenant Imada.
    "Hey, you're judging, Imada? Aren't you a little biased in this case?"
    "I am the highest ranking officer left on the ship. Aside from yourself, of course, sir."
    "Still, seems a little funny. A female judge. Next thing you know you'll want the right to vote."
    "Sit down, Captain."
    They read the charges against me and made it sound all fancy and formal, kind of funny considering I basically just pulled a trigger. They didn't have to be all highfalutin about it.
    After a while the jury was dismissed. They came back after three minutes with a verdict.
    "Please stand, Captain."
    "I'm kind of tired. Skipped breakfast and the food in jail was horrible. Can I just sit?"
    "Stand!"
    I was starting to see that Lieutenant Imada could be really bitchy when she chose to.
    "Has the jury reached a verdict?" she said.
    "We have, your honor."
    "And?"
    "We the jury of the United Space Fleet Caterpillar find the defendant, Captain Kyle Boner, guilty of all charges."
    "Great, then in carrying out my duties as a sworn judge of this ship, I order that the defendant be held in custody until his execution at twelve o'clock noon."
    "In twenty minutes," I said.
    "That is correct," she said.
    "You really don't fool around, Lieutenant."
    Back in the cell I continued my annotation, had time to take a dump, and then the guards came for me. They escorted me to the shuttle bay. All of the crew had gathered for my execution, and it made me feel important, like a famous celebrity.
    "Do you have any last words, Captain?" said Lieutenant Imada.
    "Nah," I said.
    They put me in a shuttle and closed the door. I