Seriously... I'm Kidding

can do it with other people. I’m still talking about meditation. You can do it anywhere. All you have to do is close your eyes. So you probably shouldn’t do it while you’re driving or operating heavy machinery, but otherwise you’re good to go.
    Meditation requires a lot of focus and sometimes it is easy to get distracted. I’ve tried taking classes because I think it’s easier to meditate with other people. Being surrounded by good energy helps me focus and find positivity and happiness. But even then, I always want to open my eyes. Especially because there’s incense burning and I always think the room is on fire. So instead of focusing on my inner joy, I focus on trying to remember where the closest exits are. At some point, I do tend to open my eyes for a second just to see if the room’s on fire. Of course it isn’t but when my eyes are open I see two other people with their eyes open and I wonder how long they’ve had them open. Then I notice the giant gong and I think, “I wonder what happened to The Gong Show .” Chuck Barris hosted that show. What about that other Chuck? Not Chuck Barry. Chuck Woolery. He hosted the Love Connection . He did “two and two.” I wonder who came up with that. Did he? Was it a producer? Did he not know there was a number called “four”? That makes me start thinking about the number four. It’s interesting that “four” is spelled f-o-u-r but “forty” is spelled f-o-r-t-y. Then of course I immediately think about building a couch fort. Maybe I should build a couch fort on the set of my show and have my guests talk to me inside the fort. That would be fun and entertaining and we should probably do it in our pajamas.
    Once I realize that my mind has started to wander I stop and try to do what I’m supposed to do when that happens—focus on the third eye. Guess what? That makes me think about how great it would be to have a third eye. Would I want it on my forehead or on the back of my head? Maybe on the top of my head. No, ’cause of rain. What if my lips were eyes? Then I’d get a lot more crumbs in my eyes, but I’d be able to get a really good look at what I’m eating. Just as I’m designing a pair of sunglasses in my head for my lip-eyes, the teacher hits the gong and I jump. I almost yell, “Oh my God!” but because I’m smart I yell, “Ohmmmmm!” I’m the only one chanting, but the class just thinks I’m really into meditation. The ohm actually calms me down so I leave feeling great. I’m peaceful, relaxed, and in a great mood. And now you see why it’s so great to meditate.
    Not to mention how much I think my memory has improved. It used to be terrible. I was never very good at remembering people—even people I had met before and even people who had been a guest on my show. I could spend an entire night at a fancy Hollywood party talking to someone and when Portia would ask, “Who did you talk to?” I would have to shrug and say, “It was either Marcia Cross or Zac Efron.”
    Now my memory is much, much better. I’ll tell you more about that in a second. My phone’s ringing. I’ll be right back.

Meditation

    Ahhhhh. Doesn’t that feel better?

Guided Meditation

    L et’s begin by getting in a comfortable position.
    Sit or lie down and close your eyes.
    Or if you’re driving, keep your eyes open and fast forward through this chapter.
    Now breathe in through your nose. Mmmmm. Doesn’t that smell nice hopefully?
    Now exhale through your mouth.
    If you’re on a crowded bus, apologize to the person whose face you just blew in.
    Quietly say, “I’m sorry I just blew in your face.”
    And relax.
    Feel your breath moving through your body.
    We’re inhaling energy. And we’re exhaling stress.
    Breathe in positivity and light. Breathe out negative thoughts like traffic… or flight delays… or bad service at a restaurant… or frustration with your boss… or a fight with your spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend… or money woes… or getting your car towed… or losing at Scrabble… or getting left at the altar… or finding out about a wheat allergy… or having one of your favorite socks stolen out of the dryer… or depression.
    Don’t dwell on any of those thoughts that I mentioned.
    Say good-bye negative thoughts. We’ll see you another time.
    Now relax your mind.
    You’re in a meadow. A beautiful meadow with bright green blades of grass and no ticks.
    It’s peaceful and quiet. Listen to the wind blow across the