Seriously... I'm Kidding

in a story based on how it starts. If it starts with the sentence “Wait until I tell you about my new shower caddy,” I don’t need to hear the rest of it. But if it starts “I survived twelve years in the jungle on nothing but berries and thistle,” I’m in.
    I’ve also noticed that when people say, “You are never going to believe this story in a million years,” I am almost always able to believe it. And when people say, “Long story short,” they either say it after they’ve already told about fifteen minutes of an incredibly long, boring story, or they say it in the middle of what could be a really good story, like, “Well, we woke up and had breakfast out on the deck, like we do every morning. And long story short, I am no longer welcome in Mexico.”
    Obviously, it’s my job to keep the conversation going and headed in a good, positive, upbeat direction. So I’ve learned that there are definitely questions to steer clear of to make sure that happens. If any of you ever decide to host your own talk show—and I encourage you to do so—here are some things you should never ask a guest:

     
How old are you really?
And where is that tattoo?
And where is that piercing?
What an interesting story that was about your belt. Tell me more.
Could we see more pictures of your wife giving birth in the tub?

    I genuinely do love what I do. I like getting to meet new people every day, I like introducing my audiences to new music and talent, I like helping people. It’s not like I’d rather be a mime. I mean, they have to wear far too much makeup.

Pros and Cons

    B y a show of hands, who has a hard time making decisions? You know what, I just realized I can’t see you. This is a book! I wish I could see you. Well, not all of you. I don’t know where you are or under what circumstances you’re reading this. If you’re sitting on a bench in a beautiful park, maybe somewhere in Colorado in the middle of summer, I’d love to be able to see you. Colorado is beautiful in the summer.
    Or if you’re sitting next to a fireplace, next to a big window overlooking a snowy field, maybe somewhere in Colorado in the middle of winter, I’d also love to be able to see you. Colorado is beautiful in the winter.
    I’d love to be able to see some of you even if you’re not in Colorado. It’s just that a lot of people read books while they’re in the bathtub and if that’s the case, then I do not wish to see you. Unless you’re in Colorado and it’s fall and you have a breathtaking view of a lush forest from your bathtub. Then, perhaps.
    Because I can’t see you, I’ll have to assume that a lot of you have a hard time making decisions. Sometimes I have a hard time making decisions and I like to think that I have a lot in common with my readers. (Who else considers a glass of wine a serving of fruit? Me, too!)
    Throughout my career, I’ve had to make a lot of very big decisions, many of which had huge impacts on my life. The material I decided to do for my first appearance on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson led to Johnny calling me over, which literally changed everything for me. (My decisions to sport a mullet with bangs and wear Hammer pants remain questionable.)
    A lot of people are good at making decisions. They know what they want and they can make up their minds quickly. I call those people “Quick Decision Makers.” Some people, however, are very, very bad at making decisions. They waver back and forth and might linger on an issue for days or weeks or even years. I call those people “Annoying.” Here’s a fun fact: Quick Decision Makers are often stuck behind Annoying people in line at Starbucks.
    Whenever I have to make an important decision, I like to make a list of pros and cons. That way I can see all the positives and negatives right there in front of me and I can decide what will work best for me. I highly recommend it. Can’t decide if you should quit your big city job and move to a small town? Make a list. Not sure if you should plan a huge, fancy wedding or elope? Make a list. Debating whether to buy a really awesome fancy new car or send your kid to college? Make a list.
    I wanted to show you how helpful a pros and cons list can be, so I’ve gone ahead and made a list of the pros and cons of making a list of pros and cons. Look it over and then you can decide for yourself if a list is right for you.

Pros and Cons of Making a List of Pros and Cons
    PROS
• Aids you in making