Seriously... I'm Kidding

woman’s, woman’s world. He sings that “man made the cars to take us over the road.” And that may be true, but what terrible driving visibility we would have on that road were it not for the woman who made the windshield wipers.
    If you’re going to listen to that song then you should also listen to my personal anthem, “Sisters Are Doin’ It for Themselves” as sung by one of the most brilliant songstresses of all time, Aretha Franklin. She sings about how sisters are not just stuck working in kitchens anymore. They’re now doctors, lawyers, and politicians. At first, I did think she was singing about one very talented family of sisters all doing wonderful things with their lives. Now, of course, I realize she meant sisters, as in all women.
    Women can do stuff, too! And to whoever is listening to me or watching me or reading me, that is what I want to say. The world can benefit from more smart ladies. I like smart people. I assume most people do. I’ve never heard anyone say, “Boy, do I love idiots,” though I’m sure people have.
    Maybe at some point we won’t have to break success down along gender lines. Maybe we won’t have to say a man did this or a woman invented that. Maybe we’ll just be able to say this wonderful, smart, creative person did something extraordinary and that will be that. But until then, I’m proud to be part of the sisters who are doin’ it for themselves.

Boredom

    D o you ever just think, “I’m bored”? Maybe because we’re always moving at such a fast pace or because there are only so many Lifetime movies about perfect couples who aren’t actually perfect you can watch in one weekend, every once in a while when we’re sitting still we find ourselves thinking, “I’m really bored right now.” So here are some suggestions for things you can do when you get bored.

     
Clean my house.
Look at your pets. If you look at them long enough, you can almost figure out what they’re thinking. Usually it’s “Why has she been looking at me for so long? She must be really bored.”
Cut up fruit.
Sext.
Make a smoothie.
Volunteer.
Volunteer opinions to strangers.
Hitchhike.
Photograph geese.
Put on a blazer and pretend to be a docent at your local museum.

Ellen’s Guide to Gift Giving

It is better to give than to receive.
—Liars

    G ift giving might be one of the most complicated things that exist on this Earth. It’s an art that requires skill and some people have it and some people don’t. The people who have it got you tickets to your favorite opera last year. The people who don’t got you a keychain of the letter “O” even though your name is Jane.
    There are no strict rules when it comes to gift giving, but there are some guidelines. It’s good etiquette to bring something whenever you go to someone’s house. It’s polite and generous and it shows that you appreciate being welcomed into somebody’s home. But my question is, how long does that go on for? What if you’ve been to their house a million times? Do you still have to bring something? The first time you go, you bring a bottle of wine. Then the second time maybe you bring flowers. When does it stop? And are the gifts supposed to keep getting bigger? After a few years of game nights does it become, “Look what we brought you, Joyce! It’s an above-ground pool!”
    My brother-in-law and his wife are very good at gift giving. They are extremely polite and bring something every single time they come over for any occasion. They could be coming over because they left their sunglasses at our house and they will bring us each a brand-new set of crystal goblets. They write thank-you notes. They send flowers. And they’re so great about paying the dry cleaning bills I send them after they get little specks of dirt and wine on my outside furniture.
    There are some people who refuse to bring anything when they go to someone’s house. Even if you bring something every time you go to their house, they bring nothing to yours. Here’s my solution for people like that. When you go to their house you take something. You bring a bottle of wine, you take their microwave. You bring a Bundt cake. You take their car. It’s yin and yang.
    House gifts are pretty easy to manage. Where it gets tricky is holiday gifts. I don’t know where you draw the line at holiday gifts. When you’re a kid the only people you have to get gifts for are your parents and your siblings and your dog. That’s it. And it’s